Overthinker

 May 4, 2026. May the fourth be with you. I didn't wear any star wars themed things to school today, we'll see if I catch flak from students.

This Monday morning has me feeling different. It's been an absolute trip to accept and roll with all the changes around my life. Avery had a really mature weekend where I watched her grow up and become a new kind of girl. Our relationship and bond are changing before my eye. Some days I think I'm holding on for the ride and I'm being taken for a ride. Other days I think I'm organized and confident enough to control the ride a bit. Today is an odd combo of both types of day.

I met a new friend and spent some time with her this weekend. I'm grateful for the new friendship and the time and space to talk with another adult. On the other day, trying to contextualize myself to someone who doesn't know me is really complex. This new friend is in a challenging place herself, and it was nice to listen and talk and spend time in an adult environment. 

This week is busy. Fuck. I mean, it's all kind of busy now. But I'm excited to intentionally put time aside to calendar, schedule, make lists, and prepare. And I'm not excited to continue cleaning my kitchen, but I'll be happy when it's clean(er). My dishwasher broke 6 months ago and it's been tough to stay on top of my kitchen. I have dental work tomorrow, a full week of teaching, and Avery's party on Saturday. I need to order groceries, find and get a gift, coordinate the party plans with families, and then execute. Planning is not as tiring to me as the execution of the plans. 

This has been a rambly post. I came on wanting/needing to write, and hoping my fingers would lead me somewhere. May long weekend is coming up and my friends are camping too far away for us to join. My parents are out of the country and my brother has been busy with his new girlfriend. It's going to be a longer and tougher weekend if I don't create plans, so I want to give myself an ounce of space to think about that this week. I'm feeling quite on-my-own these days. It's a double edged sword: I need to build confidence that we'll be okay and that I can do it all, but I miss my community and the support. 

Avery is really excited to turn four and I'm excited to throw her a party about it. Avery and I talk about the future a lot and what she wants to learn and try next. I worry about being able to live up to our plans and excpectations that we set together. Of course Avery is understanding, flexible, and I feel okay rationalizing why I can't do some things. But I don't want to cut corners, I want to give Avery it all. That want is often what keeps my chin up.

That's all for now. Thanks for reading.

'a great occasion is somehow spoiled for us unless photographed'