Astronaut

 I'm feeling like an astronaut in space.

My life still seems to revolve around my grieving process. It's all most people entertain when we connect, with exception of a precious few. It's tough not to centralize my/our grieving process. Jen was my strongest bond, my deepest emotional connection, and the person I've touched most. As holistic thinker, my loss has such breadth in the realms I feel affected. Avery misses her mom every day, in varying intensities. She continues to be very mature and strong, but it's unfair to task such a young person with the terrible weight she carries. And I certainly miss co-parenting. When Avery tires of my parenting after long bouts together, she defaults to ruminating over the loss of her mommy. It's gives me pain to see and hear.

I went camping a few days ago. Lenya's 40th at Horne Lake group site. Wow is the best word to describe the efforts put in by her closest people to give her a good time. I read only a few of the pre-camping instructions/details, and I arrived shorthanded in gear and food. I had dropped Avery at G&G's place in Nanaimo for a few nights so I could camp a few nights alone before camping together on the 3rd night. Without my sidekick, and out of touch with my needs and the camping plans, I felt like a tourist most of the weekend. I meandered through the 30ish campers under the influence of a couple ABC's, and I felt like an astronaut in body and soul. I watched my best friends do the things that made them my best friends.

I settled more grief during that camping trip than the past three months. I reconnected with nature. I reconnected with myself. I continue to intentionally practice my mantra of GIVE THANKS, LIVE LIFE, and RELEASE. I don't say my mantra but I try to hold it. Those three ideas increase in difficulty, so I often have to settle with just giving thanks. Time continues to be funny, but in new ways. I think that's always going to be a fascinating and evolving idea - time being funny for different reasons. Time has healed me, and will continue to heal me. Time's slow consistency is both infuriating and comforting. I'm also working on my patience, and I'm most impatient with myself.

I've been gifted an amount of money to go towards a condo mortgage, and it's life changing. I feel compelled to make moves while I have time during my summer break. I spoke with a realtor friend today and will be going to the bank tomorrow. Strange days man, I feel SO FUCKING GROWN UP it's awful lol.

Thanks for reading.

Good morning

Don't cop out

It's Easier to Run

 I have a 20 minute writing window before I go teach PHE 9/10 on a Friday morning. I'm in my PHE office alone and I feel like writing.

I want to write my memory of the night before Jen died. It's such a powerful memory but I don't want to misremember details or have accuracy tainted by time.

Thursday night of the first week of spring break. Blake and Melissa were over for dinner before catching the Dashboard Confessional show at the big arena in town, blanking the name. Save on foods memorial. I can't remember if Jen was out of bed for a visit or for dinner, but she had been quite low energy that week. Earlier Thursday we had our final MAID assessment, and we were on standby for MAID anytime we wanted it.

Blake and Melissa leave and I have a few minutes before getting Avery ready for bed. I go to check on Jen in our bedroom and she is in a new state that I'd never seen before. She was unconscious but moaning loudly and rhythmically. Her face was unforgettable, but out of respect and love I'll not only not describe it here, but it's a memory I'd most like to scrub from my brain. I panicked and seemed to freeze for about 5 seconds, but I think I was processing the routine that I'd been dreading all along. Jen would wake up.

I called Tanner before I called 911. Told him there was an emergency and I needed support with Avery. Then I called 911 and summoned paramedics. It was so tough to stay on the line with the dispatch and count Jen's heartbeats. I knew they were some of her last. beat.... beat.... beat..beat.......beat....beat

Paramedics arrived first, and I had Avery in her bedroom while continuing to monitor Jen. I couldn't wake her from her unconscious state. Avery was brave to stay in the room even though she wanted to know what was happening. I shared that an ambulance had arrived to take mommy to the hospital. When Avery came out of her bedroom, she saw the paramedics and mistook them for police, their uniforms/badges were sharp.

Tanner arrived, and gave me that peace of mind that I had a disposable adult ally on standby. When paramedics wheeled Jen out of our bedroom toward the front door, Avery and I stood in the hall and greeted them. Jen had regained consiousness slightly, and her face was a little more her. We said an "I love you" and Jen very visibly mouthed "I love you" back to us.

Tanner stayed until I returned from Hospice around 2:30am. I walked and met Jen in hospice, the ambulance took her there instead of Emerg as per our final plans. I called Steve and he drove down to Victoria from Campbell River. He arrived just after 2am and I went home to sleep before returning in the morning after dropping off Avery at school.

When I returned to hospice  Friday morning, I was pleased with the care and warmth. It was a tough morning, and Jen died mid morning. I was waiting for a call back from our Dr to perform MAID when Jen passed naturally. I don't really remember much after that part of the day. I spent some time alone. I shared the news with Avery when my mom and I went to pick her up. Imagine that scene. My mom came to daycare pickup to support me while I shared the news with my daughter that her mom had died.

The worst moment was Thursday night when I was on the phone with the 911 dispatcher, who needed me to report Jen's respiration. I sat and counted aloud some of her last breaths as I fought the urge to run.