Happy Birthday (To You)

 Avery turns Four in a couple days. I have some memories of Three to share and I want to record some details from her party this last Saturday.

We had 27 kids attend! It was a huge party, and it took on its own energy and was incredibly special. We did a bike parade around the park loop, and we played on the playground structures and zip line. I had a cooler full of drinks for the parents and another for the kids, and I ordered a happy meal for every kid. When the happy meals arrived, it was a really fun and exciting energy. Many parents were excited about how much fun their kids had. After it was all done, my face hurt from smiling so hard/long. It was a special day and I felt like I did it right.

Yesterday (Sunday) was a lazy day and I was so grateful that Avery also had a party hangover. I worry about all the memories I'll forget about Avery at this age, but I can never forget her chill yet outgoing nature. She is so flexible and breezy for a three year old. Not getting her way looks like a little girl taking a moment to process the unexpected news with grace, and bouncing away unaffected. EVERY TIME. When we finally got out at 5pm yesterday, Avery led the way on her scooter as we adventured further into our neighbourhood than we ever have on a scooter or bike. Followed by an hour play at a park. It was an unusual Sunday with very few of our routines built in. Too much screen time, non regular meals/times, irregular play, late bedtime, and she was still a peaceful, happy, regulated kid that got a great sleep. My luck is so weird.

So I want to remember how wild Avery's year was. Where she began three, versus where she is now, is just bonkers. A year ago, Avery slept in a crib with a soother, and she wore diapers. I was worried about transitioning away from all those things. Within a month of turning three, Avery was out of all those things and the transition was so easy. My strategy for phasing out Avery's soother wasnt needed because she just understood when I told her that "3 year olds don't use soothers". My worry about toilet training evaporated one weekend when it all just clicked. That first toilet poop was a massive confidence booster, and Avery has been a boss all year with toileting. Communicates well, doesn't get too distracted, and copes well when we cancel or pause an activity for a bathroom break. Avery currently can independently make a bathroom trip on her own, with the exception of wiping her butt. And with Avery's new bed, I was worried about her getting out of bed and leaving her room. I changed the doorknob so I could lock it if things became a problem. And after the first night I realized, if I tell Avery not to leave her bedroom, she won't. I haven't used the lock once.

I'm grateful daily for Avery. I get excited for Four. Maybe it's the year we learn to read. Or write. Maybe it's the year we learn to whistle. And certainly Four will be the year Avery becomes more independent, more physically literate, more caring and compassionate, and so on. The hope I hold for Avery and the future is an amazing feeling, while I try to savour these fleeting times. I'll hopefully always remember Three as a year of incredible growth in all areas. 

I love you Aves!

'You better lose yourself in the music

The moment, you own it, you better never let it go'

Overthinker

 May 4, 2026. May the fourth be with you. I didn't wear any star wars themed things to school today, we'll see if I catch flak from students.

This Monday morning has me feeling different. It's been an absolute trip to accept and roll with all the changes around my life. Avery had a really mature weekend where I watched her grow up and become a new kind of girl. Our relationship and bond are changing before my eye. Some days I think I'm holding on for the ride and I'm being taken for a ride. Other days I think I'm organized and confident enough to control the ride a bit. Today is an odd combo of both types of day.

I met a new friend and spent some time with her this weekend. I'm grateful for the new friendship and the time and space to talk with another adult. On the other day, trying to contextualize myself to someone who doesn't know me is really complex. This new friend is in a challenging place herself, and it was nice to listen and talk and spend time in an adult environment. 

This week is busy. Fuck. I mean, it's all kind of busy now. But I'm excited to intentionally put time aside to calendar, schedule, make lists, and prepare. And I'm not excited to continue cleaning my kitchen, but I'll be happy when it's clean(er). My dishwasher broke 6 months ago and it's been tough to stay on top of my kitchen. I have dental work tomorrow, a full week of teaching, and Avery's party on Saturday. I need to order groceries, find and get a gift, coordinate the party plans with families, and then execute. Planning is not as tiring to me as the execution of the plans. 

This has been a rambly post. I came on wanting/needing to write, and hoping my fingers would lead me somewhere. May long weekend is coming up and my friends are camping too far away for us to join. My parents are out of the country and my brother has been busy with his new girlfriend. It's going to be a longer and tougher weekend if I don't create plans, so I want to give myself an ounce of space to think about that this week. I'm feeling quite on-my-own these days. It's a double edged sword: I need to build confidence that we'll be okay and that I can do it all, but I miss my community and the support. 

Avery is really excited to turn four and I'm excited to throw her a party about it. Avery and I talk about the future a lot and what she wants to learn and try next. I worry about being able to live up to our plans and excpectations that we set together. Of course Avery is understanding, flexible, and I feel okay rationalizing why I can't do some things. But I don't want to cut corners, I want to give Avery it all. That want is often what keeps my chin up.

That's all for now. Thanks for reading.

'a great occasion is somehow spoiled for us unless photographed'

Something About Us

 It's almost May, of the wierdest, most surreal springtime.

I had listened to most of Daft Punk's catalogue, but I didn't hear "Something about us" until 2024, despite it coming out over 20 years prior. Jen had already receicved her terminal diagnosis, and the song spoke to me so strongly on the first listen. One of those songs that doesn't need any time crawling into your brain and getting stuck. There's only one stanza of lyrics, and I feel them on a deep level.

It's been a tough month. Avery and I survived. I have a lot of guilt with the way I carried myself through the last month. I have high bar for myself and for Avery, and I'm impatient with getting a fitness for my new single-parent, single-income family. I do hamstring myself, but I also have a deep fatigue that is wearing off slowly. Those who know me and know us think we are doing well. I try to hear them. In the scheme of things, being only 5 weeks out from my partner's death, people are giving me more grace and space than I'm giving myself. I grieve differently, and while people understand that statement, they don't really understand my process.

I have 8-9 weeks until summer break. Avery will have her 4th birthday party in there and we'll coordinate some overnight trips to Nanaimo once my parents return home from Turkey in a month. But nothing wild or crazy. It'll be spring in Victoria and that really sells iteself. I hold guilt for not engaging frequently enough with estate tasks, but July really feels like the next time I'll have the mental space and the time to get those tasks done right. I'm holding anxiety around doing taxes, it's a task I've never done before, always Jen. And I have plenty of anxiety about my future teaching contracts, I'm feeling stuck in a small but permanent contract, and I'm considering changing things up.

I miss my friends. I don't talk much anymore, not about my day or about the news or about random stuff. I have a number of friends who reach out regularly via text, and I do feel guilt when I can't connect with someone who wants to drop off muffins. The truth is that I have more domestic demands and so less social time. But some of my best friends haven't been checking in much. It's too much for me to reach out to someone because I need their support or friendship. And that's super temporary, I know I'll be able to get back to initiating contact. But right now, if I have a free minute when I might historically have grabbed my phone, I'm not grabbing my phone. I'm grabbing a short breather from life because my waves of fatigue know exactly when I have a free moment.

That's all for now, my pro-d session is about to start next door (I'm writing from the PHE office in Mt Doug).

'I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world'

Symphony No.7 in A major op.92 - II, Allegretto

 

Friday, April 3, 2026

I won't have a ton of time to write this post, so maybe the time crunch will be a nice writing exercise. Avery is behind me, watching an afternoon show while resting after this morning's park play at Redfern park. She's 4 in a few weeks. While she watches, she's putting stickers into a folded piece of paper that will become Simon's birthday card tomorrow. The folded paper kept closing as she tried to put stickers on the inside, so she grabbed the scotch tape and carefully and expertly put a strip across the fold line. "Do you know why I did that dad? To keep the folded card open while I put stickers in."Sheesh - I didn't teach her any of that.

Hoo boy. So today is/was Jen's birthday. She'd be 41 today. She died last a few weeks ago, on the 20th of March. Yuck, I don't know if that's going to be a fixed remembrance day. I would really rather preserve April 3rd and May 10 as my all-star Jen days.

It's a surreal time. That's as close as I can get to describing life right now. I don't have a great lens on reflecting on my life currently. I'm in the suck. Later, I'm curious what it will be like to look back and how I'll consider these days. For now it's surreal. 

Many things feel okay. Surprisingly, weirdly, unexpectedly okay. I'm getting out of bed, fulfilling parenting duties in a healthy and sustainable way for both of us, and finding more time to balance everything and plan for the future. Avery's demands and my ability to provide for her have created a wonderful mechanism that keeps my motor running through this awful storm.

Some things about living still aren't quite right, though. April for instance, still drives me crazy by not being springtime. No but for real. My autopilot light is burnt out and I miss really blatant menial routine things like brushing my teeth, paying for parking, locking the door, etc. It is a very short amount of time between my idling vibe and falling into dissociation. I take my morning ADHD med (diagnosed 2020) and my afternoon MDD med (diagnosed 2025), and even with that wonderful assist, I'm dropping things. It's better this week, hopefully even better next week.

Poor Jen. God damn it. How can you ever believe in karma? How?? She fought far harder that she ought to have. Her fight 2018-2021 was hard in a different way, and it was remarkable how Jen fought to survive so she could have her life back and grow her family. After the diagnosis in 2024, it was such a different vibe. Jen really didn't have the same movtivation - she knew she would never get her life back and her family was perfect. So I really don't know where she drew the strength to fight 20 months in such bleak circumstances. Avery. I DO know. It was Avery.

I'm excited to write more. I'm excited at the prospect of finding the time to write more. It's a nice outlet for me, along with the other conscious and subconscious outlets I seek/find.

The toughest part of today will be connecting with Jen's family and community. Both are in rough shape.

Thanks for reading. We're gonna be okay.

'I'll just keep playing back these fragments of time, everywhere I go these moments will shine'