Friday, April 3, 2026
I won't have a ton of time to write this post, so maybe the time crunch will be a nice writing exercise. Avery is behind me, watching an afternoon show while resting after this morning's park play at Redfern park. She's 4 in a few weeks. While she watches, she's putting stickers into a folded piece of paper that will become Simon's birthday card tomorrow. The folded paper kept closing as she tried to put stickers on the inside, so she grabbed the scotch tape and carefully and expertly put a strip across the fold line. "Do you know why I did that dad? To keep the folded card open while I put stickers in."Sheesh - I didn't teach her any of that.
Hoo boy. So today is/was Jen's birthday. She'd be 41 today. She died last a few weeks ago, on the 20th of March. Yuck, I don't know if that's going to be a fixed remembrance day. I would really rather preserve April 3rd and May 10 as my all-star Jen days.
It's a surreal time. That's as close as I can get to describing life right now. I don't have a great lens on reflecting on my life currently. I'm in the suck. Later, I'm curious what it will be like to look back and how I'll consider these days. For now it's surreal.
Many things feel okay. Surprisingly, weirdly, unexpectedly okay. I'm getting out of bed, fulfilling parenting duties in a healthy and sustainable way for both of us, and finding more time to balance everything and plan for the future. Avery's demands and my ability to provide for her have created a wonderful mechanism that keeps my motor running through this awful storm.
Some things about living still aren't quite right, though. April for instance, still drives me crazy by not being springtime. No but for real. My autopilot light is burnt out and I miss really blatant menial routine things like brushing my teeth, paying for parking, locking the door, etc. It is a very short amount of time between my idling vibe and falling into dissociation. I take my morning ADHD med (diagnosed 2020) and my afternoon MDD med (diagnosed 2025), and even with that wonderful assist, I'm dropping things. It's better this week, hopefully even better next week.
Poor Jen. God damn it. How can you ever believe in karma? How?? She fought far harder that she ought to have. Her fight 2018-2021 was hard in a different way, and it was remarkable how Jen fought to survive so she could have her life back and grow her family. After the diagnosis in 2024, it was such a different vibe. Jen really didn't have the same movtivation - she knew she would never get her life back and her family was perfect. So I really don't know where she drew the strength to fight 20 months in such bleak circumstances. Avery. I DO know. It was Avery.
I'm excited to write more. I'm excited at the prospect of finding the time to write more. It's a nice outlet for me, along with the other conscious and subconscious outlets I seek/find.
The toughest part of today will be connecting with Jen's family and community. Both are in rough shape.
Thanks for reading. We're gonna be okay.
'I'll just keep playing back these fragments of time, everywhere I go these moments will shine'
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