Oldies Station

July 2026 was a month! With all of Jen's Celebrations of Life behind me now, it's nice to be finished that phase. July was interesting in unexpected ways though. With time to properly grieve and rest following my tough spring, I was aware that time and space could let depression creep in. Boy did it. I'm currently shedding out of a pretty major depressive phase. I know I'm breaking out because I'm cleaning and cooking and I'm not dreading it. I think about being healthy and I strategize about staying healthy. Each time I break out, I try examining the ways I got out to replicate next time. It's usually fruitless, and this time is similar, my reasons for being depressed are so nuanced that it's tough to find parallels and strategies that can repeat.

I guess I HAVE solved the depression puzzle, but the whole point is that the symptoms of my depression paralyze me with indifference and apathy. My key to breaking out of my depressed bouts is to physically make myself do the healthy things when I actively don't want to. Drink the water, take the shower, go into public and do the errand, make the food for yourself. The dehydrated, slovenly, underfed version of me can settle in the depression, but hydrated, clean, and fed me won't tolerate it. And I forget long enough to let myself get dehydrated, slovenly, and hungry again.

Anyway, August is upcoming, and I'm really excited. I'm excited to start my new job at Colquitz in a month. School starts Sept 8, super late. Thanks, calendar! My job is a little undefined at the moment, and I'm excited to clarify my role and advocate for myself. I have the chance to set up a really effective system of managing the most vulnerable learners in the 6-8 middle school. I would estimate my school is mid-level in a lot of areas that matter to me and my job. So I'm not expecting a cake walk or a brutal set of cirumstances. I AM expecting to be looked at as an important leader for most of the school's stakeholders (students, inclusive ed teachers, regular teaching staff, EA's, Admin and office staff, parents, and 3rd party para-professionals) - and I'm expecting to be working amongst all those groups every day. Each of those stakeholders often thinks they're the most important group in the school, and I'll be a consistent conduit between them all. I'm really hopeful my skills mesh well with the school's needs. If so, it would be amazing to have a consistent school for some years.

Avery is a boss, and to revisit the 2nd paragraph above, she's the real depression killer. I love that little girl - all day every day. She is remarkably regulated, I would venture that's maybe her biggest personality outlier. She is so regulated in so many ways, I never experience frustration getting her to comply or change behaviour or start/end a task. It's truly remarkable. Today we made a fruit crumble today and she asked me what happens when we die. Sheesh. She ran her first fever in 18 months this morning, kicked it within an hour. Hand, foot, and mouth disease hit a classmate of hers so we've been extra clean all week. And she's definitely fighting something off with a handful of mini-symptoms.

This August I've a week of grinding estate/tax/CPP tasks and a bunch of one-off social engagements to schedule and attend. I've got a busy back half of the month at Colquitz, getting some incoming families feeling good and some systems in place for a few students with severe disabilities. It should be a great balance, and I'm truly motivated to work hard to hit September in a good place.

Thanks for reading.

'Your favourite song was on the oldies station'

Astronaut

 I'm feeling like an astronaut in space.

My life still seems to revolve around my grieving process. It's all most people entertain when we connect, with exception of a precious few. It's tough not to centralize my/our grieving process. Jen was my strongest bond, my deepest emotional connection, and the person I've touched most. As holistic thinker, my loss has such breadth in the realms I feel affected. Avery misses her mom every day, in varying intensities. She continues to be very mature and strong, but it's unfair to task such a young person with the terrible weight she carries. And I certainly miss co-parenting. When Avery tires of my parenting after long bouts together, she defaults to ruminating over the loss of her mommy. It's gives me pain to see and hear.

I went camping a few days ago. Lenya's 40th at Horne Lake group site. Wow is the best word to describe the efforts put in by her closest people to give her a good time. I read only a few of the pre-camping instructions/details, and I arrived shorthanded in gear and food. I had dropped Avery at G&G's place in Nanaimo for a few nights so I could camp a few nights alone before camping together on the 3rd night. Without my sidekick, and out of touch with my needs and the camping plans, I felt like a tourist most of the weekend. I meandered through the 30ish campers under the influence of a couple ABC's, and I felt like an astronaut in body and soul. I watched my best friends do the things that made them my best friends.

I settled more grief during that camping trip than the past three months. I reconnected with nature. I reconnected with myself. I continue to intentionally practice my mantra of GIVE THANKS, LIVE LIFE, and RELEASE. I don't say my mantra but I try to hold it. Those three ideas increase in difficulty, so I often have to settle with just giving thanks. Time continues to be funny, but in new ways. I think that's always going to be a fascinating and evolving idea - time being funny for different reasons. Time has healed me, and will continue to heal me. Time's slow consistency is both infuriating and comforting. I'm also working on my patience, and I'm most impatient with myself.

I've been gifted an amount of money to go towards a condo mortgage, and it's life changing. I feel compelled to make moves while I have time during my summer break. I spoke with a realtor friend today and will be going to the bank tomorrow. Strange days man, I feel SO FUCKING GROWN UP it's awful lol.

Thanks for reading.

Good morning

Don't cop out

It's Easier to Run

 I have a 20 minute writing window before I go teach PHE 9/10 on a Friday morning. I'm in my PHE office alone and I feel like writing.

I want to write my memory of the night before Jen died. It's such a powerful memory but I don't want to misremember details or have accuracy tainted by time.

Thursday night of the first week of spring break. Blake and Melissa were over for dinner before catching the Dashboard Confessional show at the big arena in town, blanking the name. Save on foods memorial. I can't remember if Jen was out of bed for a visit or for dinner, but she had been quite low energy that week. Earlier Thursday we had our final MAID assessment, and we were on standby for MAID anytime we wanted it.

Blake and Melissa leave and I have a few minutes before getting Avery ready for bed. I go to check on Jen in our bedroom and she is in a new state that I'd never seen before. She was unconscious but moaning loudly and rhythmically. Her face was unforgettable, but out of respect and love I'll not only not describe it here, but it's a memory I'd most like to scrub from my brain. I panicked and seemed to freeze for about 5 seconds, but I think I was processing the routine that I'd been dreading all along. Jen would wake up.

I called Tanner before I called 911. Told him there was an emergency and I needed support with Avery. Then I called 911 and summoned paramedics. It was so tough to stay on the line with the dispatch and count Jen's heartbeats. I knew they were some of her last. beat.... beat.... beat..beat.......beat....beat

Paramedics arrived first, and I had Avery in her bedroom while continuing to monitor Jen. I couldn't wake her from her unconscious state. Avery was brave to stay in the room even though she wanted to know what was happening. I shared that an ambulance had arrived to take mommy to the hospital. When Avery came out of her bedroom, she saw the paramedics and mistook them for police, their uniforms/badges were sharp.

Tanner arrived, and gave me that peace of mind that I had a disposable adult ally on standby. When paramedics wheeled Jen out of our bedroom toward the front door, Avery and I stood in the hall and greeted them. Jen had regained consiousness slightly, and her face was a little more her. We said an "I love you" and Jen very visibly mouthed "I love you" back to us.

Tanner stayed until I returned from Hospice around 2:30am. I walked and met Jen in hospice, the ambulance took her there instead of Emerg as per our final plans. I called Steve and he drove down to Victoria from Campbell River. He arrived just after 2am and I went home to sleep before returning in the morning after dropping off Avery at school.

When I returned to hospice  Friday morning, I was pleased with the care and warmth. It was a tough morning, and Jen died mid morning. I was waiting for a call back from our Dr to perform MAID when Jen passed naturally. I don't really remember much after that part of the day. I spent some time alone. I shared the news with Avery when my mom and I went to pick her up. Imagine that scene. My mom came to daycare pickup to support me while I shared the news with my daughter that her mom had died.

The worst moment was Thursday night when I was on the phone with the 911 dispatcher, who needed me to report Jen's respiration. I sat and counted aloud some of her last breaths as I fought the urge to run.

Happy Birthday (To You)

 Avery turns Four in a couple days. I have some memories of Three to share and I want to record some details from her party this last Saturday.

We had 27 kids attend! It was a huge party, and it took on its own energy and was incredibly special. We did a bike parade around the park loop, and we played on the playground structures and zip line. I had a cooler full of drinks for the parents and another for the kids, and I ordered a happy meal for every kid. When the happy meals arrived, it was a really fun and exciting energy. Many parents were excited about how much fun their kids had. After it was all done, my face hurt from smiling so hard/long. It was a special day and I felt like I did it right.

Yesterday (Sunday) was a lazy day and I was so grateful that Avery also had a party hangover. I worry about all the memories I'll forget about Avery at this age, but I can never forget her chill yet outgoing nature. She is so flexible and breezy for a three year old. Not getting her way looks like a little girl taking a moment to process the unexpected news with grace, and bouncing away unaffected. EVERY TIME. When we finally got out at 5pm yesterday, Avery led the way on her scooter as we adventured further into our neighbourhood than we ever have on a scooter or bike. Followed by an hour play at a park. It was an unusual Sunday with very few of our routines built in. Too much screen time, non regular meals/times, irregular play, late bedtime, and she was still a peaceful, happy, regulated kid that got a great sleep. My luck is so weird.

So I want to remember how wild Avery's year was. Where she began three, versus where she is now, is just bonkers. A year ago, Avery slept in a crib with a soother, and she wore diapers. I was worried about transitioning away from all those things. Within a month of turning three, Avery was out of all those things and the transition was so easy. My strategy for phasing out Avery's soother wasnt needed because she just understood when I told her that "3 year olds don't use soothers". My worry about toilet training evaporated one weekend when it all just clicked. That first toilet poop was a massive confidence booster, and Avery has been a boss all year with toileting. Communicates well, doesn't get too distracted, and copes well when we cancel or pause an activity for a bathroom break. Avery currently can independently make a bathroom trip on her own, with the exception of wiping her butt. And with Avery's new bed, I was worried about her getting out of bed and leaving her room. I changed the doorknob so I could lock it if things became a problem. And after the first night I realized, if I tell Avery not to leave her bedroom, she won't. I haven't used the lock once.

I'm grateful daily for Avery. I get excited for Four. Maybe it's the year we learn to read. Or write. Maybe it's the year we learn to whistle. And certainly Four will be the year Avery becomes more independent, more physically literate, more caring and compassionate, and so on. The hope I hold for Avery and the future is an amazing feeling, while I try to savour these fleeting times. I'll hopefully always remember Three as a year of incredible growth in all areas. 

I love you Aves!

'You better lose yourself in the music

The moment, you own it, you better never let it go'

Overthinker

 May 4, 2026. May the fourth be with you. I didn't wear any star wars themed things to school today, we'll see if I catch flak from students.

This Monday morning has me feeling different. It's been an absolute trip to accept and roll with all the changes around my life. Avery had a really mature weekend where I watched her grow up and become a new kind of girl. Our relationship and bond are changing before my eye. Some days I think I'm holding on for the ride and I'm being taken for a ride. Other days I think I'm organized and confident enough to control the ride a bit. Today is an odd combo of both types of day.

I met a new friend and spent some time with her this weekend. I'm grateful for the new friendship and the time and space to talk with another adult. On the other day, trying to contextualize myself to someone who doesn't know me is really complex. This new friend is in a challenging place herself, and it was nice to listen and talk and spend time in an adult environment. 

This week is busy. Fuck. I mean, it's all kind of busy now. But I'm excited to intentionally put time aside to calendar, schedule, make lists, and prepare. And I'm not excited to continue cleaning my kitchen, but I'll be happy when it's clean(er). My dishwasher broke 6 months ago and it's been tough to stay on top of my kitchen. I have dental work tomorrow, a full week of teaching, and Avery's party on Saturday. I need to order groceries, find and get a gift, coordinate the party plans with families, and then execute. Planning is not as tiring to me as the execution of the plans. 

This has been a rambly post. I came on wanting/needing to write, and hoping my fingers would lead me somewhere. May long weekend is coming up and my friends are camping too far away for us to join. My parents are out of the country and my brother has been busy with his new girlfriend. It's going to be a longer and tougher weekend if I don't create plans, so I want to give myself an ounce of space to think about that this week. I'm feeling quite on-my-own these days. It's a double edged sword: I need to build confidence that we'll be okay and that I can do it all, but I miss my community and the support. 

Avery is really excited to turn four and I'm excited to throw her a party about it. Avery and I talk about the future a lot and what she wants to learn and try next. I worry about being able to live up to our plans and excpectations that we set together. Of course Avery is understanding, flexible, and I feel okay rationalizing why I can't do some things. But I don't want to cut corners, I want to give Avery it all. That want is often what keeps my chin up.

That's all for now. Thanks for reading.

'a great occasion is somehow spoiled for us unless photographed'

Something About Us

 It's almost May, of the wierdest, most surreal springtime.

I had listened to most of Daft Punk's catalogue, but I didn't hear "Something about us" until 2024, despite it coming out over 20 years prior. Jen had already receicved her terminal diagnosis, and the song spoke to me so strongly on the first listen. One of those songs that doesn't need any time crawling into your brain and getting stuck. There's only one stanza of lyrics, and I feel them on a deep level.

It's been a tough month. Avery and I survived. I have a lot of guilt with the way I carried myself through the last month. I have high bar for myself and for Avery, and I'm impatient with getting a fitness for my new single-parent, single-income family. I do hamstring myself, but I also have a deep fatigue that is wearing off slowly. Those who know me and know us think we are doing well. I try to hear them. In the scheme of things, being only 5 weeks out from my partner's death, people are giving me more grace and space than I'm giving myself. I grieve differently, and while people understand that statement, they don't really understand my process.

I have 8-9 weeks until summer break. Avery will have her 4th birthday party in there and we'll coordinate some overnight trips to Nanaimo once my parents return home from Turkey in a month. But nothing wild or crazy. It'll be spring in Victoria and that really sells iteself. I hold guilt for not engaging frequently enough with estate tasks, but July really feels like the next time I'll have the mental space and the time to get those tasks done right. I'm holding anxiety around doing taxes, it's a task I've never done before, always Jen. And I have plenty of anxiety about my future teaching contracts, I'm feeling stuck in a small but permanent contract, and I'm considering changing things up.

I miss my friends. I don't talk much anymore, not about my day or about the news or about random stuff. I have a number of friends who reach out regularly via text, and I do feel guilt when I can't connect with someone who wants to drop off muffins. The truth is that I have more domestic demands and so less social time. But some of my best friends haven't been checking in much. It's too much for me to reach out to someone because I need their support or friendship. And that's super temporary, I know I'll be able to get back to initiating contact. But right now, if I have a free minute when I might historically have grabbed my phone, I'm not grabbing my phone. I'm grabbing a short breather from life because my waves of fatigue know exactly when I have a free moment.

That's all for now, my pro-d session is about to start next door (I'm writing from the PHE office in Mt Doug).

'I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world'

Symphony No.7 in A major op.92 - II, Allegretto

 

Friday, April 3, 2026

I won't have a ton of time to write this post, so maybe the time crunch will be a nice writing exercise. Avery is behind me, watching an afternoon show while resting after this morning's park play at Redfern park. She's 4 in a few weeks. While she watches, she's putting stickers into a folded piece of paper that will become Simon's birthday card tomorrow. The folded paper kept closing as she tried to put stickers on the inside, so she grabbed the scotch tape and carefully and expertly put a strip across the fold line. "Do you know why I did that dad? To keep the folded card open while I put stickers in."Sheesh - I didn't teach her any of that.

Hoo boy. So today is/was Jen's birthday. She'd be 41 today. She died last a few weeks ago, on the 20th of March. Yuck, I don't know if that's going to be a fixed remembrance day. I would really rather preserve April 3rd and May 10 as my all-star Jen days.

It's a surreal time. That's as close as I can get to describing life right now. I don't have a great lens on reflecting on my life currently. I'm in the suck. Later, I'm curious what it will be like to look back and how I'll consider these days. For now it's surreal. 

Many things feel okay. Surprisingly, weirdly, unexpectedly okay. I'm getting out of bed, fulfilling parenting duties in a healthy and sustainable way for both of us, and finding more time to balance everything and plan for the future. Avery's demands and my ability to provide for her have created a wonderful mechanism that keeps my motor running through this awful storm.

Some things about living still aren't quite right, though. April for instance, still drives me crazy by not being springtime. No but for real. My autopilot light is burnt out and I miss really blatant menial routine things like brushing my teeth, paying for parking, locking the door, etc. It is a very short amount of time between my idling vibe and falling into dissociation. I take my morning ADHD med (diagnosed 2020) and my afternoon MDD med (diagnosed 2025), and even with that wonderful assist, I'm dropping things. It's better this week, hopefully even better next week.

Poor Jen. God damn it. How can you ever believe in karma? How?? She fought far harder that she ought to have. Her fight 2018-2021 was hard in a different way, and it was remarkable how Jen fought to survive so she could have her life back and grow her family. After the diagnosis in 2024, it was such a different vibe. Jen really didn't have the same movtivation - she knew she would never get her life back and her family was perfect. So I really don't know where she drew the strength to fight 20 months in such bleak circumstances. Avery. I DO know. It was Avery.

I'm excited to write more. I'm excited at the prospect of finding the time to write more. It's a nice outlet for me, along with the other conscious and subconscious outlets I seek/find.

The toughest part of today will be connecting with Jen's family and community. Both are in rough shape.

Thanks for reading. We're gonna be okay.

'I'll just keep playing back these fragments of time, everywhere I go these moments will shine'

T-Shirt

Hello there. It's 2019 and I returned here to check out the past a little bit. This blog is a bit of an artifact at this point, but it's been great to see how I used to talk and think.

Reading back over 10+ year old posts, I realize how different I am. So many things are different, of course there are still similarities in the way I think now.

I wonder, when I was posted in 2007/2008/2009, if I had an idea of where I'd be ten years on. To be sure, in 2019 and reading back to 2007/08/09 is strange. I'm not particularly proud of how I acted and who I was in my early 20's, and posts from that era remind me why. I'm a few months away from my 35th birthday, and I'm happy with who the current me is.

I've come full circle on the direction of my career. Fifteen years ago, I was dead set on a career as an educator. Ten years ago I was no longer dead set, instead feeling a little lost on my professional direction. 2012 saw a revitalization in my professional journey. I started to tiptoe back toward a career path as an educator. I was hired by a school district in 2013, and I have been working as an educator since.

So I like my job. I like my job enough to look forward to it every week. I love it, but I recognize it's a stepping stone to more growth.

I'm working with a group of teenagers at the moment, and we're learning about writing, poetry, and self-reflection. Which led me back here, and led me to post a quick update.

If you read this, thanks!

- Mike

'I just wanna sing a love song
Pretend there's nothing wrong'

Pablo Picasso

Why hello there.

Usually when I come here to write, I forgo flowing intro's and jump right into whatever is on my mind. I suppose I'll just do the same, although it feels a little awkward to say hi and then immediately start rambling. It's probably okay.

I like to read my previous post before writing a new one. As time increases between posts, I laugh more and more at the spots I was at not so long ago. In this case, my last post was almost 12 months ago. I have since left the job I was at, held a temporary job, and found a permanent position with the Boys and Girls Club. I have lost friends, made friends, and made a lifelong commitment to my best friend. Since Feb 15 last year, much of my life has changed. I mean, obviously, but I have had perhaps the most enjoyable 12 months of my life since my last post.

I remember what happened on Feb 15, 2012, that took me to Blogger to write. A very similar episode happened to me today, and it sent me to Blogger to write. Last year, I had a negative job performance review - quite negative actually - and it kicked my butt into gear to trim the fatty crap out of my life. Today wasn't a performance review, but the course of my morning sent my mind into the same gear as Feb 15, 2012.

I found out a few things about my current job this morning, and a few things about myself. "I feel" is what I'm going to be writing over and over - and I realize that it's just my opinion and probably isn't factual. BUT, I feel undervalued and disrespected in my workplace. I also found out that I'm not going to deal with that. So my current job has just become, as of a few hours ago, that thing I do while I look for a better job.

I am in a far stronger position than I was in a year ago. Last year I committed to finding better work, trying to move from $11/hour into a better spot. This year, I'm newly committed to finding better work, trying to move from $16/hour into a better spot. I feel like my resume is awesome, and the motivation that was dammed up yesterday, just crashed through the levee.

Maybe it's the time of year. Maybe not, but I'm ready to work hard towards something better. I want to do that for the rest of my life. Except the best friend part. There's nobody better.

Thanks for reading.

Mike

'Fill up your head and fill up your heart and take your shot'

Gold on the Ceiling

Okay, so.

Do you ever struggle with change? I do, and I have a few observations. Sometimes, when change is necessary, or inevitable (or both), one will wait until the change becomes absolutely crucial. The time passes when change is optional, and it becomes forced. Like writing a paper the night before, or packing up the day before moving day. Does this make sense? Do people still do this after they finish University?

I feel like I'm trying to wrap myself around improving this skill (or fault?). I'm interested in seeing the change that needs to happen, and making continual progress. That's the key for me I think, the "continual progress". Like if you pick up an empty box every few days, you can bring it home and pack it, instead of leaving a mountain of packing to do right before moving day. Follow me? In the past, it's been hard for me to go ahead and tackle something big until it hits that crucial point. Breaking something down into small pieces, and crushing them one at a time until something big is done has never been a strength of mine.

I want it to be. I'm trying to up that part of my game. Do you have any suggestions?

I feel like in the last 6 months, I've been getting better, and I feel like I've really turned a corner in the last week. Specifically, I need to find a job. I'm nowhere near a critical point where change is necessary from a fiscal standpoint, where I have to make a move. Maybe that moment won't come, and that's why I'm not waiting for it anymore. I used to wait.

Anyway, I've broken down this change into a bunch of pieces, now all I have to do is check them off this list.

1. Improve my resume. It's been far too long, and it's not professional enough.

2. Broaden my network. In person, online, etc.

3. Get the word out that my skills are essential to people. I have to re-learn how to sell myself.

4. Apply.

5. Find out what skills I need, and get them. i.e. First aid, Non-violent Crisis Intervention, Fitness Theory.

6. Get 'dream' job.

It may seem strange

How we used to wait for letters to arrive

Blue Jeans

Hey guys

I'm gonna jump right in. I am updating on here for the first time this year, and I plan to hopefully start updating more often again.

This week I've been thinking lots about professional development, and I'm starting to put a few different things in motion. For starters, I'm making my online profile(s) a little more professional. I'm starting to expand to more social networks (google+, linkedin) in an attempt to recreate myself in a unified, professional way. I'm really hoping that some serious attention and effort online can help me network with new people in various areas to help myself toward a career. Kind of a strange undertaking for me. Well, not strange. I haven't really dipped into the world of networking very much, and it's obviously a really strong tool. So it feels kind of clunky, trying to get myself into a new frame of mind.

I spent some time with my pal Matt recently, and he's working with me on this little project. Matt is a seriously successful networker, and has a strong online reputation. He has found great jobs through online networking, and he's been gracious enough to share some of his secrets.

I'm looking to break into Victoria's health, recreation, and/or fitness sector, and I appear to have been doing it wrong for the past 18 months. Well, I'm still working at Starbucks. So I would say it DEFINITELY appears as if I could try something new.

I'm also interested in a couple lifestyle changes. I mean, I figure if I want to get serious about health and fitness, why not stop eating so poorly, and get outside a little more. That might look a little more obvious on this page than it is in real life. Not that I'm a big slug. I also think that networking with new people in these areas will assist with me getting out more, and vice versa - getting out more might also expand my network.

I have a couple of really good head starts on this project. First, I studied and immersed myself in health, recreation, and fitness during University. Which wasn't THAT long ago. I'm no stranger when it comes to understanding healthier living. Also, I have a great friend in Matt, who not only has great tools/tips for expanding my network, but he also has a passion in recreation and health. I also have Jen, who works at a gym, and Blake, who is a great motivator in the drive to stay consistently active. Weirdly enough, the recent expiry of my Xbox live membership is also a solid catalyst. I have too much screen time per week, and I don't plan on renewing my membership.

So off I go. I want to set a few goals. I think an important one is to get employment in my area(s) of interest, but I want to try to set some other realistic, achievable goals that I can crush along the way.

I'm gonna go do it.

Thanks for reading.

- Mike

'Quit these pretentious things and just punch the clock'

The Vancouver National Anthem

How important is the fate of the Vancouver Canucks to you?

It's a question that people have been answering with vigor for 2 months. People all over BC are very excited about the prospect of the Canucks winning the Stanley Cup. A sports analyst commented that he was most excited for the fans, if Vancouver were to win.

With 1 game into the Stanley Cup finals, I can't help but finally feel some confidence in the outcome of this season. I have struggled with my confidence in the Canucks, and rightfully so. For years (decades?) they have come very close, and been very prepared to win hockey's holy grail, only to slip, trip, or just plain fail. It's been agonizing on one hand, yet predictable at the same time. But now, after beating Boston only once, I'm finally convinced we have what it takes to beat everyone, and be the best.

The fate of the Canucks is very important to me. I started following the 2010-11 season back in August. Really. I read the paper every day that I work, and while 'The Province' is a glorified high school newspaper in my opinion, they have 1st rate Canucks coverage. I have followed the news, stats and players very closely since before opening day, and it makes me happy to know so much about the team I enjoy watching so much.

Moving to Victoria in September 2010, I was leaving a lot of my friends behind. Many nights where I would otherwise be with friends, I instead spent watching Canucks games. Because of this, I have never watched as much hockey as I have this year.

I feel like I know more than the average fan, and I also feel like I want the cup more. I also feel like when a potential victory belongs to the fans, like the analyst said, that he's speaking directly to me.

I can talk all day about the players on the roster this year. What I like, their story, and what they've done for the Canucks in 2010-11.

As far as the skaters on the team, the head office put Vancouver in very good shape this year. The depth alone was a driving factor for Hockey News to predict Vancouver to win the cup back in September, a magazine I got for my birthday that month.

Alex Bolduc, Victor Oreskovich, and Sergei Shirokov saw really limited time for the big club this season, and spent most of their season with the Canucks AHL affiliate, the Manitoba Moose. Bolduc and Oreskovich are currently with the big club, switching between being scratched and 4th line duty. Same story for Cody Hodgson, except the expectations were much higher for Cody. A 4th liner from years past, Rick Rypien, didn't last long. After a scuffle with a Minnesota fan in the fall, he went into rehab for alcoholism. He finished the year with the Moose. The most consistent 4th liner was Tanner Glass, who fights a little but has really improved this season. Jeff Tambellini is the last 4th liner, who also spent time with the Moose and is currently with the Canucks. Tambo doesn't get much ice time, but he sure makes the most of it.

The 3rd line saw Glass sometimes, but most commonly featured Jannik Hansen and Raffi Torres. Torres was an offseason acquisition, and I was stoked, remembering how often he torched the Canucks while playing for the Oilers. Hansen is also a beast, and he's my 2nd favorite Canuck. The guy can skate and he can hit. My favorite Canuck, Manny Malhotra, centered the 3rd line until he suffered a career threatening eye injury. What made him my favorite player was the smaller parts of the game that he excelled at. He was one of the Canucks best penalty killers, and he was the in the top 3 in faceoffs in the league all year. After the trade deadline, Chris Higgins and Max Lapierre both spent time on the 3rd line, and they've both been huge in the playoffs.

The 2nd line was usually Kesler, Raymond, and Samuelsson. If 1 canuck won't be pleased with their season, it'll be either Raymond or Samuelsson. Kesler was on beast mode most of the year though, and I really hope he wins the Selke trophy for best defensive forward. I also hope he lifts the Conn Smythe right after lifting the Stanley Cup. One thing about Kesler, he always kept it light off the ice.

The most consistent line all year was the 1st line of Daniel and Henrik Sedin, and Alex Burrows. Henrik was made captain before the faceoff of the season opener in October, after winning the league MVP last year. After following the Sedins since they were drafted, I think 2009-2010 may have been the only year Daniel had less points than Henrik. Oh well, Dank made up for it this year, leading the league in scoring. New captain next season?? Either way, the boys are sick. Ridiculously good goals.

Not much to say about the top 6 defensemen, who made up the leagues best d-corps. Bieksa/Hamhuis, Edler/Ehrhoff, and Salo/Ballard were the usual suspects, but often there were a few guys injured. The fill ins were amazing. Chris Tanev would have been a staple during the playoffs if it hadn't been for a serious concussion late in the year. Lee Sweatt also saw a little time, and made the most of it with a sick game winner and an equally sick reaction to scoring. Aaron Rome and Andrew Alberts played the most out of the reserve d-men, and are still with the Canucks for the finals.

Behind them, Luongo was his usual self, only playing less games. He learned to play back in his net more, resulting in a better G.A.A. than recent years. Cory Schneider was easily the league's best back up goalie, making Vancouver the best defensive team in the league.

How important is the fate of the Canucks to me? I'll be really happy to see the Canucks do well, and they've already done that. I lowered my expectations long ago, and now I'm just enjoying the ride.

Mike

'Where the oar and the axe flies'

Mr. Rager

Goddamn, I feel at ease.

I went to the gym today for the first time in a while, and it was nice. I ran hard for 30 mins and lifted some weights. It felt great to sweat a bunch, crank my ipod a bunch, and change up my day to day routine. I got lost in my own little world on the treadmill at 8.5 km/h, and then I woke up 30 mins later and couldn't see through the sweat in my eyes. I got off of the treadmill and the floor was still moving beneath me. Feels great to get a good workout, doesn't it?

Work is still dead end, but I'm feeling happier at work these days. Feeling happier at work translates to being happier at home. It's a really easy equation, but sometimes I forget to work it out that way, and I wonder why I'm grumpy on my couch. But now I'm not grumpy.

Christmas is coming up, and I've firmed up my plans. I'll be in Nanaimo for a few days around the 25th with my family and friends. Can't wait. Hopefully the weather holds - no one likes the weather fucking up plans. I'm not ready for christmas yet, but I should be by tomorrow. Good times at christmas. I'm gonna blow some minds with awesome prezzies. Maybe.

That's that. Just a quick lil update on me and my month. Listening to lots of music again, and I like that. Visited some friends last week, and I also like that.

Thanks for reading. Enjoy your hols.

- Mike

'And I know

Everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold'

The Freshman

I feel like writing.

This entry is probably one of those entries where I write about everything and nothing. I saw Stone temple pilots last week. It's a different mindset when I go see a big band nowadays. Used to be a real big deal, but not so much anymore. The combo of seeing like 20-30 shows, and the fact that I don't listen to as much music anymore, has kind of dulled the mystique of live music. STP was good though. Big Empty was their best effort I thought.

I'm reading 'Next' by Michael Crichton. It's interesting, but I can't quite figure out why books don't hold me. I often struggle to get through the last 1/3 of a book, only to be supremely disappointed by the finish. Anyway, I'm ~290 pages into next and it's starting to dwindle.

I work tomorrow morning, and coach in the afternoon, and maybe it's a good idea to start thinking about sleep tonight. I've been working a lot more lately than my first few months in victoria. Yes, I'm still at starbucks. No, I haven't heard back from my other job prospects. Starbees (not their term, but mine) treats me well, and I take full advantage of my free stuff.

I was watching some sports thing last week, and they were talking about a coach's career record. So I want to keep track of my own career win/loss record - so I can celebrate my 100th win or something with my own little party or something. I probably won't call a press conference. But if last year was my 1st year coaching, my career record is 19W-7L-1T. That means I go home happy over 2/3's of the time. That's fine with me.

That's all for my free float. I like the new Kings of Leon album. Not to be trendy, but I like it. Oh yeah, and I miss my friends. All of 'em.

Later!

'For the life of me

I cannot remember

what made us think that we were wise'

Best Of You

I should really be going to bed.

I've been working early, and falling behind on sleep, but I caught an hour napping a while ago, so I'm justified to myself.

Long weekend. I coached a couple games this weekend, and coaching is becoming more rewarding as the season goes on. I probably should have expected that. Either way, I'm starting to enjoy it again.

For a while there I wasn't enjoying coaching. I took a mental step back to try and sort out why I was coaching in the first place. I guess it's an easy way to get volunteer time in. And I like soccer. And I like teaching people things. Last year there was more than just that though, and I couldn't place it until recently. It was the 'x factor' that I hadn't made clear to myself, that kept me really coaching, and I didn't have it this season until this week.

When you play sports at a high level, you spend time after your 'sports career' living vicariously through other younger, competitive athletes. This is not a theory of mine, it's well documented. It's really apparent in the American NCAA div1 football system. Vicariously living through sports teams/athletes probably isn't just reserved for ex-athletes, just ask any avid canucks fan who never played hockey.

I consider myself an ex-high level athlete. My height of my sporting career was high school and university. I still play, but it isn't the same. If you've been where I have, you know exactly what I mean. Gameday means something very special to high level athletes, and I didn't know it until I didn't have it to look forward to. It's all about gameday, and the thing I miss most about playing high level, is the feeling of right before, during and after the game. My description could probably be only semi-abstract at best, but you might know anyway.

Now I'm older, and I'm fine with living vicariously through other athletes. I try to leech some of that gameday feeling off athletes playing at the height of their careers. That's the 'x-factor' that makes me enjoy coaching. I get to be a step closer. I still can't recapture the old feeling, but I can be a little more than a by-stander.

Earlier this season, my team was failing to hold me. I wasn't affecting them in any way as a coach, and the soccer didn't remind me of anything I wanted to live vicariously through.

Well, I'm back, baby. I'm making a difference as a coach again, and these athletes that play on my team are making me wish I could get on my boots and play with them.

I was really happy to come to this conclusion, and have the tides turn on me this week. I didn't come to this realization on my own. I actually saw an interesting thing online that resonated deeply with me. I added a link to it here.

Thanks for reading.

'Hand over your heart

let's go home'

The Immortals

Hey guys

Days are crawling by here sometimes, but then it feels like the weeks are flying by.

I'm doing alright these days, although I'm starting to feel frustrated about work and my lack of any career path. Starbucks is paying not-enough per hour, and I'm averaging around not-enough hours a week. I had a job interview last week that I was really excited about, and I haven't heard back since. That frustrates me, because I can charm the pants off anyone, and I can also walk the walk.

So that's frustrating. It's funny how the simple equation of no money = little spending options, can be so frustrating. I mean, in theory the idea is pretty obvious that not having much money means you can't do a lot. In practice it's just as obvious, yet so frustrating sometimes. I'm stuck trying to pick and choose what I have to cut out of my life that's fun. I've never had to do that before. Take the next week. I can go back to nanaimo to hang out with my best friends that are in town for a few days. I can also go to Stone Temple Pilots for a free concert in vancouver next week.

But I can't do both.

So that's frustrating. I hooked myself up a coaching job here in Victoria to both volunteer and stay connected with soccer. I almost thought it'd be a fun opportunity, like it was last year. Couldn't be more wrong. I coach eighteen 17-20 year olds, and they are almost all egotistical children that won't listen, follow directions, or even play simple soccer. I can take ego guys, or guys that don't listen well, as long as they do their job on the soccer field. That's a trade-off with many athletes that all coaches deal with. Not only do my guys strive to be mediocre and fuck around all the time, they like to bitch and moan about not getting winning results. Well ain't life grand? I'm obviously not a good enough coach to take this group anywhere, so I'm getting over it, and we're going to have a fun time fucking around all season.

On to the good things in life!

I signed with a soccer team in Nanaimo, and I plan to play with them when they travel down to victoria every few weeks. I've been getting back to playing soccer, and it's quite an adjustment playing with only one eye. It's coming back quickly though, but I won't be able to fully return to last years form. My field vision is really bad, but I underestimated the lengths that having a smart soccer mind takes me. That being said, sometimes my touch is pretty bad, as my fine motor skills are pretty thrashed.

What else is great in my life?

There's a video game coming out in a few weeks that I'm excited about. I doubt that non-serious gamers are overly aware of the online gaming community. Over the last year I guess I've developed into quite the serious video gamer. I had never played more than an hour or two of online video games before February 2010, and since then I've gotten really into it. I've had a lot of success playing a few different games, and losing an eye hasn't effected my skill at all.

Anyways, some players in the gaming community film their own gameplay, and add their own commentary to it. People make gameplay commentaries to teach people, showcase their skills, and sometimes make money. The main forum for these gameplay commentaries is Youtube, and I think that I'd like to try making some videos of me commentating my own gameplay in the near future. Call of Duty: Black Ops is coming out in a few weeks, and if I can get a capture card that's compatible with a Mac, then I can get on it. It's exciting to think about, and I'd only be doing it to teach people how to get better. I don't have illusions of grandeur, making money or becoming 'youtube popular' - I would just have fun producing good gameplays and funny/insightful commentaries. An example of a gameplay commentary is here.

We'll see. May not happen until Christmas. In the meantime, I'm going to grind out some more starbees, some cold soccer practices, and some pitiful paydays while I continue to trailblaze toward the elusive career path.

Thanks for reading.

'Young hearts, be free tonight'

Waking Up

Hey guys

Pretty much all settled in now in Vic. I miss all my friends back in Nanaimo, but I don't really miss Nanaimo. Saul is in Van now, Jeff and JC in Alberta, and Blake is in Europe for the Fall/Winter. So I guess even if I were in Nanaimo, I wouldn't be hanging out with friends anyway.

I'm making new friends at work, but not the let's-hang-out-this-weekend type of friends. Same with the soccer team I coach. Regardless, it's nice to make friends with people.

Other than that, I'm kind of into a work grind. Working at starbucks is lame, and while I'm working full weeks, I'm still trying to find time to continue to apply for other work. I guess I shouldn't say that working at starbucks is lame, but working for a bad wage is weak. I'm pluggin away though.

Thanksgiving is pretty toned down unfortunately this weekend. I work, and I have to miss a big dinner with friends because my team is playing on Saturday night. Next weekend I'll hopefully get to Campbell River and Nanaimo. My parents are moving in a few weeks into their new house, and I want to get to their current house at least one last time. It's too nice for me to not be in again.

Thanks for reading.

- Mike

'We cut ties

we tell lies

we hate change'

Sideways

In Victoria.

In Victoria.

Nice to have a mantra other than 'move to victoria'.

I moved to Victoria on September 1st. I can't remember when I first started talking about moving here, but I did it, and it took long enough to get here. I feel at home finally, after driving to Victoria many many times during August, looking for work and a place to live. I found both in August, even if both are temporary. I'm living in Central Saanich at the gateway to both downtown and the University of Victoria. I'm working at Starbucks #4986 or something. It's the Torquay Village one, if you wind up looking. I kind of feel like a number working there. I guess in reality I am. 1718130. It's a job though, and I spent most of Aug. 15-31 working in Victoria, and living in Nanaimo.

Driving the 26' U-haul moving truck the 100 miles or whatever was actually really stressful, and that's the only point worth mentioning about an otherwise successful move.

I had my Birthday on the 5th, and I spent the day catching a bus home (haha, 'home') to Nanaimo to spend the day with Jen and my Family. It was a pretty low key 26th, maybe more than I would have liked. But I spent my day with the people I wanted to be with, and I haven't had that every birthday. I don't take things like that for granted.

The reality is, I haven't really worked this summer, and while my stamina feels like it's back to capacity, working close to full time has really drained me for the last few weeks. It's exciting to be in a new routine in a new city, and maybe that in itself is tiring at first. I bike a hilly 3-4km's to work and back every shift, and twice a week I go to soccer and coach my team.

Oh yeah. I haven't posted on here much this summer, but one of the most important things I set up during July/August here in Vic was getting myself a soccer team to coach. I found a spot coaching a u21 team at Lakehill Football Club, and it's only 1km from my apartment. It puts some leisure type structure into my week, and it's super cool to coach kids.

My new eye is about the same. Maybe I didn't post on here when I got my final prosthetic. I don't remember. It was tight when I got it, and I still have tight days. I have dry days, itchy days, tight days - days where I really wish I had two eyes that worked. But I suppose there's progress, days when I rub my eyes in the morning, and spend the day forgetting all about having only one eye.

Those are the best days, and it was a real revelation to discover that I was forgetting I only had 1 eye. It's hard to describe I guess. After moving/biking/working in the last 10 days, I've really noticed the way I plan around my eye. Maybe that gets better, but for now settling into a routine helps me forget, and get better at those tasks I had to initially plan around.

Last thing. I've dealt with friends moving away before, but I haven't myself had a major move like this before. It's like all my friends moved away. They aren't far I guess. I just miss being able to get out and see friends after work or whatever.

Thanks for reading.

'Every time I look in the mirror
All these lines in my face getting clearer'

Perfect In Between

So I was planning on moving to victoria on July 1st, when my accident cut that plan short.

Since then, I've had mixed feelings about the move being put on hold. On the upside, I really enjoy my summers with my friends, and being in Nanaimo for July has been great so far. The downside is the procrastination. I feel like putting something off easily perpetuates itself, and I was afraid that putting off a move would happen a 2nd time. Not today though.

I got the call earlier, and my application for tenancy has been approved in Victoria for Sept 1st. So I'm actually going to do this. I like it.

Until then, I have some things to take care of. I need a job there. Going there without a solid plan provided the glamour behind planning the move, but the reality is weeks away. I need to have a job by Sept 1st. Since I moved July 1st, most of my stuff is still packed, and the move should be basic.

That's that. I feel really great today. I had a tough time struggling with the thought of pushing the moving date back again. I felt like I needed to prove to myself that I can do this. Now a deposit is paid, the unit is ready, and all I have to do is order a moving truck.

July has been as eventful as June was uneventful. After relaxing/healing for most of June, I've unconsciously started to fit 2 months worth of summer into July. I got a prosthetic eye built and put in, however it doesn't fit or look right. My second prosthetic will go in this week. It's a removable prosthetic that I'll need to take out and clean every week. I feel like a new person with my new eye. I haven't been showing it off like crazy because it doesn't look quite right, but inside I'm very excited.

Getting my prosthetic eye is the end of my eye saga. I feel constantly confused still. Mentally, I kept thinking that when a new eye would go in, I'd be able to see again. It's like when you cut your knee: when the bandage comes off and you can't see the cut, everything is normal again and it was like nothing happened. Everything looks normal again. But I still see only half as well. I often wake up wondering why I can't see properly. Every time I put on sunglasses, use binoculars, or look into/through anything, I have to remember why things don't look right.

I remember talking earlier in the year on my blog, discussing my amazing looking spring and summer. Things were turned upside down, but have nonetheless been fantastic. I really enjoyed being best man at Blake's wedding - it was the time of my life, and hopefully Blake's too. The minor parts to my summer - lake/river days, poker nights, hikes and swims - have filled in the gaps of my last month. I met someone who has lived for 10 years in Ontario, and was seeing BC for the 1st time. He said, 'Now I know what it feels like to be Canadian'. I guess people from Ontario see the same Molson Canadian commercials, but don't have the mountains or oceans to relate to. I dunno, it's pretty sweet to spend your summer on Vancouver Island.

I could really go on and on, but I've said enough. The next weeks are going to be similar to the last ones, with some exciting job hunting as well.

Thanks for reading.

'Some men like to hear, to hear the cannonball a' roaring

Me? I like sleeping'

Just Dance

I guess as long as I'm spending so much time on the computer, I could really write a few things on here. I've been on the couch pretty straight time since May 24th when I got home from the hospital, and you better believe I'm going crazy.

After my eye injury I've been laid up at home full time. I spent the first 10 days or so at my parent's house after my eye surgery. I really appreciated everything my parents did for me, but it was nice to get out of there and get back to doing stuff for myself.

I was back 3 or 4 times to the same doctor who did my surgery, and my eye (socket) has healed enough to be without bandages. Which is such a relief. I got myself an eye patch, but after rocking it a few times, I don't think I'll use it. I wear sunglasses when I go out, and that basically keeps me from looking weird. Plus I don't really get out much.

So my healing timeline goes like this. On July 8th I'll go back to Duncan to see the surgeon. He'll decide whether my eye socket has healed enough or not. He'll then put me in touch with the ocularist in Victoria, who'll fabricate and fit me with a new prosthetic eye. To clarify, I can't see through the prosthetic eye, and I won't ever see through my left eye socket. Some people have asked if I'll be getting a transplant, or if I'll be able to see through the prosthetic. NO.

So being cooped up inside is super frustrating at times. I don't have any stamina to do anything for any length of time. The strain of using one eye gives me constant headaches, and tires me out very quickly. Not being able to work sucks, as I just sit at home wondering what the hell else I could be doing.

The one thing that's keeping me entertained/distracted is the world cup. Oh man, every 4 years I get so psyched to watch soccer. Anyway, I was in Vancouver this weekend to watch soccer with Saul, and I was over at Blake's today to watch the Dutch/Danish game. Even after like 4 days of the tournament, I'm so into it. It's nice to get out and hang out with friends over soccer games, but 430am start times are weak.

Anyway, I'll be watching soccer tomorrow. And Wednesday.

Thanks for reading.

'I love this record baby, but I can't see straight anymore'