Mr. Rager

Goddamn, I feel at ease.

I went to the gym today for the first time in a while, and it was nice. I ran hard for 30 mins and lifted some weights. It felt great to sweat a bunch, crank my ipod a bunch, and change up my day to day routine. I got lost in my own little world on the treadmill at 8.5 km/h, and then I woke up 30 mins later and couldn't see through the sweat in my eyes. I got off of the treadmill and the floor was still moving beneath me. Feels great to get a good workout, doesn't it?

Work is still dead end, but I'm feeling happier at work these days. Feeling happier at work translates to being happier at home. It's a really easy equation, but sometimes I forget to work it out that way, and I wonder why I'm grumpy on my couch. But now I'm not grumpy.

Christmas is coming up, and I've firmed up my plans. I'll be in Nanaimo for a few days around the 25th with my family and friends. Can't wait. Hopefully the weather holds - no one likes the weather fucking up plans. I'm not ready for christmas yet, but I should be by tomorrow. Good times at christmas. I'm gonna blow some minds with awesome prezzies. Maybe.

That's that. Just a quick lil update on me and my month. Listening to lots of music again, and I like that. Visited some friends last week, and I also like that.

Thanks for reading. Enjoy your hols.

- Mike

'And I know

Everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold'

The Freshman

I feel like writing.

This entry is probably one of those entries where I write about everything and nothing. I saw Stone temple pilots last week. It's a different mindset when I go see a big band nowadays. Used to be a real big deal, but not so much anymore. The combo of seeing like 20-30 shows, and the fact that I don't listen to as much music anymore, has kind of dulled the mystique of live music. STP was good though. Big Empty was their best effort I thought.

I'm reading 'Next' by Michael Crichton. It's interesting, but I can't quite figure out why books don't hold me. I often struggle to get through the last 1/3 of a book, only to be supremely disappointed by the finish. Anyway, I'm ~290 pages into next and it's starting to dwindle.

I work tomorrow morning, and coach in the afternoon, and maybe it's a good idea to start thinking about sleep tonight. I've been working a lot more lately than my first few months in victoria. Yes, I'm still at starbucks. No, I haven't heard back from my other job prospects. Starbees (not their term, but mine) treats me well, and I take full advantage of my free stuff.

I was watching some sports thing last week, and they were talking about a coach's career record. So I want to keep track of my own career win/loss record - so I can celebrate my 100th win or something with my own little party or something. I probably won't call a press conference. But if last year was my 1st year coaching, my career record is 19W-7L-1T. That means I go home happy over 2/3's of the time. That's fine with me.

That's all for my free float. I like the new Kings of Leon album. Not to be trendy, but I like it. Oh yeah, and I miss my friends. All of 'em.

Later!

'For the life of me

I cannot remember

what made us think that we were wise'

Best Of You

I should really be going to bed.

I've been working early, and falling behind on sleep, but I caught an hour napping a while ago, so I'm justified to myself.

Long weekend. I coached a couple games this weekend, and coaching is becoming more rewarding as the season goes on. I probably should have expected that. Either way, I'm starting to enjoy it again.

For a while there I wasn't enjoying coaching. I took a mental step back to try and sort out why I was coaching in the first place. I guess it's an easy way to get volunteer time in. And I like soccer. And I like teaching people things. Last year there was more than just that though, and I couldn't place it until recently. It was the 'x factor' that I hadn't made clear to myself, that kept me really coaching, and I didn't have it this season until this week.

When you play sports at a high level, you spend time after your 'sports career' living vicariously through other younger, competitive athletes. This is not a theory of mine, it's well documented. It's really apparent in the American NCAA div1 football system. Vicariously living through sports teams/athletes probably isn't just reserved for ex-athletes, just ask any avid canucks fan who never played hockey.

I consider myself an ex-high level athlete. My height of my sporting career was high school and university. I still play, but it isn't the same. If you've been where I have, you know exactly what I mean. Gameday means something very special to high level athletes, and I didn't know it until I didn't have it to look forward to. It's all about gameday, and the thing I miss most about playing high level, is the feeling of right before, during and after the game. My description could probably be only semi-abstract at best, but you might know anyway.

Now I'm older, and I'm fine with living vicariously through other athletes. I try to leech some of that gameday feeling off athletes playing at the height of their careers. That's the 'x-factor' that makes me enjoy coaching. I get to be a step closer. I still can't recapture the old feeling, but I can be a little more than a by-stander.

Earlier this season, my team was failing to hold me. I wasn't affecting them in any way as a coach, and the soccer didn't remind me of anything I wanted to live vicariously through.

Well, I'm back, baby. I'm making a difference as a coach again, and these athletes that play on my team are making me wish I could get on my boots and play with them.

I was really happy to come to this conclusion, and have the tides turn on me this week. I didn't come to this realization on my own. I actually saw an interesting thing online that resonated deeply with me. I added a link to it here.

Thanks for reading.

'Hand over your heart

let's go home'

The Immortals

Hey guys

Days are crawling by here sometimes, but then it feels like the weeks are flying by.

I'm doing alright these days, although I'm starting to feel frustrated about work and my lack of any career path. Starbucks is paying not-enough per hour, and I'm averaging around not-enough hours a week. I had a job interview last week that I was really excited about, and I haven't heard back since. That frustrates me, because I can charm the pants off anyone, and I can also walk the walk.

So that's frustrating. It's funny how the simple equation of no money = little spending options, can be so frustrating. I mean, in theory the idea is pretty obvious that not having much money means you can't do a lot. In practice it's just as obvious, yet so frustrating sometimes. I'm stuck trying to pick and choose what I have to cut out of my life that's fun. I've never had to do that before. Take the next week. I can go back to nanaimo to hang out with my best friends that are in town for a few days. I can also go to Stone Temple Pilots for a free concert in vancouver next week.

But I can't do both.

So that's frustrating. I hooked myself up a coaching job here in Victoria to both volunteer and stay connected with soccer. I almost thought it'd be a fun opportunity, like it was last year. Couldn't be more wrong. I coach eighteen 17-20 year olds, and they are almost all egotistical children that won't listen, follow directions, or even play simple soccer. I can take ego guys, or guys that don't listen well, as long as they do their job on the soccer field. That's a trade-off with many athletes that all coaches deal with. Not only do my guys strive to be mediocre and fuck around all the time, they like to bitch and moan about not getting winning results. Well ain't life grand? I'm obviously not a good enough coach to take this group anywhere, so I'm getting over it, and we're going to have a fun time fucking around all season.

On to the good things in life!

I signed with a soccer team in Nanaimo, and I plan to play with them when they travel down to victoria every few weeks. I've been getting back to playing soccer, and it's quite an adjustment playing with only one eye. It's coming back quickly though, but I won't be able to fully return to last years form. My field vision is really bad, but I underestimated the lengths that having a smart soccer mind takes me. That being said, sometimes my touch is pretty bad, as my fine motor skills are pretty thrashed.

What else is great in my life?

There's a video game coming out in a few weeks that I'm excited about. I doubt that non-serious gamers are overly aware of the online gaming community. Over the last year I guess I've developed into quite the serious video gamer. I had never played more than an hour or two of online video games before February 2010, and since then I've gotten really into it. I've had a lot of success playing a few different games, and losing an eye hasn't effected my skill at all.

Anyways, some players in the gaming community film their own gameplay, and add their own commentary to it. People make gameplay commentaries to teach people, showcase their skills, and sometimes make money. The main forum for these gameplay commentaries is Youtube, and I think that I'd like to try making some videos of me commentating my own gameplay in the near future. Call of Duty: Black Ops is coming out in a few weeks, and if I can get a capture card that's compatible with a Mac, then I can get on it. It's exciting to think about, and I'd only be doing it to teach people how to get better. I don't have illusions of grandeur, making money or becoming 'youtube popular' - I would just have fun producing good gameplays and funny/insightful commentaries. An example of a gameplay commentary is here.

We'll see. May not happen until Christmas. In the meantime, I'm going to grind out some more starbees, some cold soccer practices, and some pitiful paydays while I continue to trailblaze toward the elusive career path.

Thanks for reading.

'Young hearts, be free tonight'

Waking Up

Hey guys

Pretty much all settled in now in Vic. I miss all my friends back in Nanaimo, but I don't really miss Nanaimo. Saul is in Van now, Jeff and JC in Alberta, and Blake is in Europe for the Fall/Winter. So I guess even if I were in Nanaimo, I wouldn't be hanging out with friends anyway.

I'm making new friends at work, but not the let's-hang-out-this-weekend type of friends. Same with the soccer team I coach. Regardless, it's nice to make friends with people.

Other than that, I'm kind of into a work grind. Working at starbucks is lame, and while I'm working full weeks, I'm still trying to find time to continue to apply for other work. I guess I shouldn't say that working at starbucks is lame, but working for a bad wage is weak. I'm pluggin away though.

Thanksgiving is pretty toned down unfortunately this weekend. I work, and I have to miss a big dinner with friends because my team is playing on Saturday night. Next weekend I'll hopefully get to Campbell River and Nanaimo. My parents are moving in a few weeks into their new house, and I want to get to their current house at least one last time. It's too nice for me to not be in again.

Thanks for reading.

- Mike

'We cut ties

we tell lies

we hate change'

Sideways

In Victoria.

In Victoria.

Nice to have a mantra other than 'move to victoria'.

I moved to Victoria on September 1st. I can't remember when I first started talking about moving here, but I did it, and it took long enough to get here. I feel at home finally, after driving to Victoria many many times during August, looking for work and a place to live. I found both in August, even if both are temporary. I'm living in Central Saanich at the gateway to both downtown and the University of Victoria. I'm working at Starbucks #4986 or something. It's the Torquay Village one, if you wind up looking. I kind of feel like a number working there. I guess in reality I am. 1718130. It's a job though, and I spent most of Aug. 15-31 working in Victoria, and living in Nanaimo.

Driving the 26' U-haul moving truck the 100 miles or whatever was actually really stressful, and that's the only point worth mentioning about an otherwise successful move.

I had my Birthday on the 5th, and I spent the day catching a bus home (haha, 'home') to Nanaimo to spend the day with Jen and my Family. It was a pretty low key 26th, maybe more than I would have liked. But I spent my day with the people I wanted to be with, and I haven't had that every birthday. I don't take things like that for granted.

The reality is, I haven't really worked this summer, and while my stamina feels like it's back to capacity, working close to full time has really drained me for the last few weeks. It's exciting to be in a new routine in a new city, and maybe that in itself is tiring at first. I bike a hilly 3-4km's to work and back every shift, and twice a week I go to soccer and coach my team.

Oh yeah. I haven't posted on here much this summer, but one of the most important things I set up during July/August here in Vic was getting myself a soccer team to coach. I found a spot coaching a u21 team at Lakehill Football Club, and it's only 1km from my apartment. It puts some leisure type structure into my week, and it's super cool to coach kids.

My new eye is about the same. Maybe I didn't post on here when I got my final prosthetic. I don't remember. It was tight when I got it, and I still have tight days. I have dry days, itchy days, tight days - days where I really wish I had two eyes that worked. But I suppose there's progress, days when I rub my eyes in the morning, and spend the day forgetting all about having only one eye.

Those are the best days, and it was a real revelation to discover that I was forgetting I only had 1 eye. It's hard to describe I guess. After moving/biking/working in the last 10 days, I've really noticed the way I plan around my eye. Maybe that gets better, but for now settling into a routine helps me forget, and get better at those tasks I had to initially plan around.

Last thing. I've dealt with friends moving away before, but I haven't myself had a major move like this before. It's like all my friends moved away. They aren't far I guess. I just miss being able to get out and see friends after work or whatever.

Thanks for reading.

'Every time I look in the mirror
All these lines in my face getting clearer'

Perfect In Between

So I was planning on moving to victoria on July 1st, when my accident cut that plan short.

Since then, I've had mixed feelings about the move being put on hold. On the upside, I really enjoy my summers with my friends, and being in Nanaimo for July has been great so far. The downside is the procrastination. I feel like putting something off easily perpetuates itself, and I was afraid that putting off a move would happen a 2nd time. Not today though.

I got the call earlier, and my application for tenancy has been approved in Victoria for Sept 1st. So I'm actually going to do this. I like it.

Until then, I have some things to take care of. I need a job there. Going there without a solid plan provided the glamour behind planning the move, but the reality is weeks away. I need to have a job by Sept 1st. Since I moved July 1st, most of my stuff is still packed, and the move should be basic.

That's that. I feel really great today. I had a tough time struggling with the thought of pushing the moving date back again. I felt like I needed to prove to myself that I can do this. Now a deposit is paid, the unit is ready, and all I have to do is order a moving truck.

July has been as eventful as June was uneventful. After relaxing/healing for most of June, I've unconsciously started to fit 2 months worth of summer into July. I got a prosthetic eye built and put in, however it doesn't fit or look right. My second prosthetic will go in this week. It's a removable prosthetic that I'll need to take out and clean every week. I feel like a new person with my new eye. I haven't been showing it off like crazy because it doesn't look quite right, but inside I'm very excited.

Getting my prosthetic eye is the end of my eye saga. I feel constantly confused still. Mentally, I kept thinking that when a new eye would go in, I'd be able to see again. It's like when you cut your knee: when the bandage comes off and you can't see the cut, everything is normal again and it was like nothing happened. Everything looks normal again. But I still see only half as well. I often wake up wondering why I can't see properly. Every time I put on sunglasses, use binoculars, or look into/through anything, I have to remember why things don't look right.

I remember talking earlier in the year on my blog, discussing my amazing looking spring and summer. Things were turned upside down, but have nonetheless been fantastic. I really enjoyed being best man at Blake's wedding - it was the time of my life, and hopefully Blake's too. The minor parts to my summer - lake/river days, poker nights, hikes and swims - have filled in the gaps of my last month. I met someone who has lived for 10 years in Ontario, and was seeing BC for the 1st time. He said, 'Now I know what it feels like to be Canadian'. I guess people from Ontario see the same Molson Canadian commercials, but don't have the mountains or oceans to relate to. I dunno, it's pretty sweet to spend your summer on Vancouver Island.

I could really go on and on, but I've said enough. The next weeks are going to be similar to the last ones, with some exciting job hunting as well.

Thanks for reading.

'Some men like to hear, to hear the cannonball a' roaring

Me? I like sleeping'

Just Dance

I guess as long as I'm spending so much time on the computer, I could really write a few things on here. I've been on the couch pretty straight time since May 24th when I got home from the hospital, and you better believe I'm going crazy.

After my eye injury I've been laid up at home full time. I spent the first 10 days or so at my parent's house after my eye surgery. I really appreciated everything my parents did for me, but it was nice to get out of there and get back to doing stuff for myself.

I was back 3 or 4 times to the same doctor who did my surgery, and my eye (socket) has healed enough to be without bandages. Which is such a relief. I got myself an eye patch, but after rocking it a few times, I don't think I'll use it. I wear sunglasses when I go out, and that basically keeps me from looking weird. Plus I don't really get out much.

So my healing timeline goes like this. On July 8th I'll go back to Duncan to see the surgeon. He'll decide whether my eye socket has healed enough or not. He'll then put me in touch with the ocularist in Victoria, who'll fabricate and fit me with a new prosthetic eye. To clarify, I can't see through the prosthetic eye, and I won't ever see through my left eye socket. Some people have asked if I'll be getting a transplant, or if I'll be able to see through the prosthetic. NO.

So being cooped up inside is super frustrating at times. I don't have any stamina to do anything for any length of time. The strain of using one eye gives me constant headaches, and tires me out very quickly. Not being able to work sucks, as I just sit at home wondering what the hell else I could be doing.

The one thing that's keeping me entertained/distracted is the world cup. Oh man, every 4 years I get so psyched to watch soccer. Anyway, I was in Vancouver this weekend to watch soccer with Saul, and I was over at Blake's today to watch the Dutch/Danish game. Even after like 4 days of the tournament, I'm so into it. It's nice to get out and hang out with friends over soccer games, but 430am start times are weak.

Anyway, I'll be watching soccer tomorrow. And Wednesday.

Thanks for reading.

'I love this record baby, but I can't see straight anymore'

Float On

How is this for a broken record? “Man it’s been a while since I posted last. So much has happened since”.

May was a month. I was involved in a family trip to Mexico, and I was involved in a serious accident that’s left me disfigured. Not often that I can bookend a month with such highs and lows.

My brother got married May 12th, a day after his birthday. My family and I stood on the beach next to him as he got married in Nuevo Vallarta. We spent the rest of the week poolside with the 40 friends we’d made, catching rays and drinking in the sun. It was relaxation like I’ve never known. I took full advantage of our all inclusive resort, making my constant rounds to the bar and the buffet.

I ate and drank so much, I probably gained 6-8 pounds - a phenomenal achievement for me.

The trip home from mexico was my cue. Time to get back at it, back to work and back to focusing on the goals I have this spring. I came home still planning to move to Victoria on July 1st.

May long weekend I had a few different plans. My soccer team was going to Saltspring Island for a tournament and a weekend of camping and drinking. My other plan was another camping trip to Sproat lake with a ton of my closest friends. I also could have stayed home to work. I decided on Sproat.

There were like 20 of us at a great camping spot on the lake, and by Saturday we were in full high school reunion mode, and full on binge drinking mode. To give you an idea of the size of our campsite in the woods by the lake, from one end of the site you couldn’t see the tents on the far side. Courtlan had carted in rocks for a firepit, and made an elaborate outhouse. We had generators, stereos, and almost everything that deviates from ‘roughing it’.

I honestly don’t have much camping gear. I remember packing, thinking ‘I need something to entertain myself’. In hindsight I should have expected a campsite of such proportions, with enough games/people to keep me entertained for a week. Anyway, I threw in a few golf clubs with my gear, thinking that maybe I’d hit a few rocks into the lake. How unbelievable that Courtlan also brought a massive bucket of golf balls. I was stoked.

So Saturday. We’re hitting some golf balls, playing bocce, drinking, and having a blast. Some people were being bums by the campfire, and some people went into town to the liquor store. A few of us inflated a massive inflatable toy, and 4 of us went floating on. We weren’t in the line of fire for the golf ball hitting, and a few people kept hitting balls. We were close enough though, 40-50 feet from shore maybe, but off to the side. A nasty slice off a golf club, and we might be at risk.

And that’s exactly what happened. We were floating on the lake with our drinks, doing absolutely nothing. Saul was hitting a few balls, and the next thing I knew, something hit me in the eye. I figured it out right away what happened, because the impact was huge. It had to be a golf ball. I hit the bottom of our inflatable toy, and there was blood everywhere. It’s panic stations. I’m kind of freaking out inside, but I think I reacted pretty well on the outside. Everyone sees me in trouble and there’s no doubt I need to get to a hospital asap. We get to shore, Courtlan puts a bandage on my eye, and we get to the road. At this point I hadn’t tried opening my eye. My hand flew to my face on impact, and it didn’t leave my face until we were at the hospital.

Jer and Saul took me to the hospital in Port Alberni. There were a few other people that came along as well I think. I remember not passing out, and wanting to. The pain was pretty sickening and was deeper than anything else I’ve felt. I imagine if i’d ever broken a bone, the pain might be similar.

The hospital couldn’t do anything, and the only specialist on call was hours away in Cowichan. The only thing I really remember about the Port Alberni hospital was the doctor that shined a light into my eye and asked what I saw. I opened my eye for the first time, and I couldn’t see anything. Now at this point I’m getting worried. I’ve had friends sustain eye injuries, and I know that sometimes you can lose vision and get it back in hours/days. I was really hoping that was the case.

The ambulance ride to cowichan was terrible, and I vomited a bunch on the way. Saul and Jer came along in the ambulance. By this time, Saul had called Jen and my parents, and they were going to meet us in Cowichan.

The specialist in Cowichan met us around 9pm I think. He took a look, and again I saw no light. He told my family (privately?) that it was one of the worst eye injuries he’d ever seen. I caught that part, and immediately started feeling pretty bad about the situation. The doctor told me I would go into surgery the next morning. The surgery would be an ‘exploration’ and if need be, a ‘enucleation’. He straight up told me that my chances of saving my eye were very small. I was really hoping that the impact had broken my nose or orbital, and that my eye was bruised or something. Turns out the impact ruptured my eye, and I can only imagine what the doctor saw that night when he removed my bandage.

That night in Cow hospital was the longest of my life, regardless of the amount of demerol I received. I went into surgery the next day, and my eye was removed after they couldn’t repair any of it. i stayed another day in the hospital, and went home to my parent’s house to stay while I recover.

Since I’ve been home it’s been a tiring week learning to use only one eye. Processing everything with only one eye, after using two for almost 26 years, is extremely tiring. The first day I had to actually physically open my right eye to see. Now I can see through my right eye all day, but it’s still tiring. The pain from my left eye is almost gone, but the strain of using one eye is giving me wicked headaches.

Now I have to wait for a month or so, then get fitted with a prosthetic eye. With some surviving muscle in my left eye, I’ll be able to get some movement in my prosthetic eye. It won’t be like the movies where I can switch out my eye for cool looking eyes. It’ll be one prosthetic, and it won’t be coming out.

Today I head back to Cowichan to meet the specialist and talk about my coming weeks. I am able to drive and work again soon, but I don’t feel great doing either. Since I got home after my May 22nd accident, I haven’t been doing much. Not eating, or even watching much tv. It’s strange. I think I lost 6-8 pounds last week.

So that’s about it. I’m not moving to victoria until I am more organized, and can work to earn some money. My friends have been really supportive, especially Jen, Saul, and Blake. My three best friends have made sure that I’ve got anything I need. I really think the worst part of my injury is going to be coping with the first month. Once I get my new eye, I think things will be a lot easier than they are right now.

I’d say the biggest change in my vision is that everything is brighter. I have massive blind spots now, and I have to turn my head much more to see things, but the world is goddamn bright on my right eye.

Thanks for reading.

'I feel summer creepin' in, and I'm tired of this town again'

Tik Tok

Here it goes. Three months later.

I've been thinking about updating for a little while, but it's easy to put off.

A lot is going on for me, but not a whole lot seems to have changed. The year is going well for me, and I have a pretty busy spring planned. Recently I was over at the Vancouver Olympics, and it's was a pretty neat experience. I think the Olympics went about as good as possible for me, and for Canada. The hockey bit was really exciting, but it was exciting to see the masses get behind the smaller event medalists.

I'm living in a different place than when I last posted. It was THAT long ago. Jeez. I got a new computer - well it's new to me. It does the job. I mostly need a computer for email and web browsing, so I don't need anything fancy.

I have a few weddings coming up, one this spring, and one in July. I'm actually in the wedding party for both weddings, so I kind of need to do some homework in that regard. One wedding is taking me to Mexico, the other to Vegas. Which kind of excites me! I've never been to either, and I'm stoked.

I'm also planning on moving late this spring, to Victoria. It's been in the works now for a while, and the target is around June. The nice weather we've been having is awesome, but it keeps reminding me that I have to figure out a bunch of stuff so I can move. It's going to be an interesting process, but one I feel is necessary.

In the meantime, I'm kind of puttering around, working away and trying to put away some money for my expensive spring. Coaching is going great, and the season is just about done. I'll probably post some sort of final results thing on here when everything is all done. Currently we're sitting in first at 12-2-1, and we're playing in the 2nd round of the cup tomorrow night. The team I play for is in a different cup draw, and we play our 4th round tomorrow night. Pretty exciting times for me, soccer wise.

Anyway, it was kind of a whirlwind update. I just wanted to get on here and write.

Mike

'Keep movin on'