Waiting On The World To Change

I wrote this when I was in camp...

July 05/08

I'm laying in my room in camp in Alberta, thinking about nothing and thinking about everything. I ummm, feel like I'm ready to start the rest of my life in a new direction. I don't feel like I'm giving up what I'm doing, because this was never really a long term thing, or even a thing at all.

Where I am now, in a work camp on a service rig on the wrong side of the world, affords me some opportunities to think in a fresh way. At the same time, I've been thinking about something for a long time, maybe longer than I consciously know. It's hard to explain. Consider the scene from batman 1 where michael keaton is trying to explain himself to vicky vale. He can't find the right words to explain. He tries, but vale doesn't get it. Anyways, I'm not batman. But there's this logical sequence to life that I just don't line up with right now. You go to school, you might go to university. When you're done, employment starts to mimic your love life, or vice versa: you experience some lame, dead end jobs and girls, and these somehow shape you for that woman and that job you marry. Have kids, get a mortgage, blah blah blah. I'm really afraid of falling into that cliché. Oppositely, I feel no need to be overly unique for any reason. I just feel this pressure. I'm in a time of transition, and I almost feel like I'm being pushed into a direction of convenience, of "logic". It's tough to explain when I don't even really know. "If not there, then where?" is a question I don't have the answer to.

I don't know. I'm still in school mode I guess, and think there's an answer to everything.

Let me change gears a little bit. Life fucking sucks here. I hate it. So much. I've never been big on complaining, and I happen to think it looks bad on people. So let me look bad. At work I have three levels of superiors from floor level to office. Each one tells me daily, maybe hourly, how weak, incapable, worthless, and stupid I am. I'm not listened to, trusted, or respected even in the slightest.Every co-worker I have, and I'm NOT overemphasizing, loves to comment to my face how I have no work ethic and that I'm putting zero effort into my work. Even me saying "fuck you" to the face of 2 supervisors/managers after one of my routine humiliations gets me nothing but a smirk.

I am convinced that this is the asshole of humanity. If you read this, you won't begin to fathom what this is. I have bit my tongue so often after being laughed at, yelled at, and shit on, that my jaw hurts.

Blah blah blah, find the positive. blah blah blah. I've been in camp 20 days or so. In 20 days or so I'll be done. If I can do that, I can do anything. But I'm going to be a wreck at the end. Right now I can't even write a description of what I feel like. "You little bitch" was the line my boss threw in my face today.

I plan to walk dead through the next 20 days.I don't have a shred of respect for anyone, and nothing I do here really matters. When I get home I'll be a different person. I can't wait.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=b8MdE8e0Buk