Hands On Fire

On a sunday...

Oh boy. I've learned to write from the hip I guess, and I just write whatever I think without censoring. I finish each entry, and go back and vet out the content I deem inappropriate, trivial, or maybe stupid.

Anyway, maybe that was a disclaimer for this entry. I don't really know yet.

I'm in my room listening to some really slow Matt Good, and waiting for Silversun Pickups and The Stills to download. 'Hospital Music' has been on repeat most of this week. 'Black Helicopter' and 'Champions of Nothing' have been my soundtrack when I wake up. I spent more than a few days contemplating my life this week. Now that you know what has been penetrating my ears on itunes, I'll try to explain what's between them.

I fill up my days with numbers and statistics, and at night I seem to watch the ceiling for eternity. I'm not sure what it all means.

"When you're at the top there's nowhere left to go but down. That's been said in a million country songs. It's true. For when you are at the top you aspire to attain that which cannot be attained. And in doing so achieve the ruin of all that you have built."

That's tough for me to understand, and I don't find it well written. But I used it for the last line. I feel like I'm starting to achieve the ruin of all that I've built.

This is important to me. I feel like I need to go somewhere from here, that I'm going nowhere, and that there's no way to know where I'm going from here. I've realized something very important, maybe the most important lesson of my life. I'm searching for it. It is where I'm going, what I want to achieve right now. It is the answer to my unhappiness. I've been waiting (hoping?) for it to find me. Smack me in the face on some random thursday, and I would drop my life and go get it. The longer I wait, the more I realize that this is a myth. It is not going to find me, I have to find it.

At the same time I find this realization, I can't help but feel like my feet are stuck in cement, and I can't move. I swear that I leave my body sometimes and look at myself, and find it pretty humourous. I get a certain feeling of self hate. All the time.

Anyways, the point is, is that I'm beginning to become unstuck. I'm determined to become more goal oriented, change my life into something I can feel happy about, and stay away from drying cement. I'm not hanging around for long. This town constricts me like a python. I feel the need to leave and start somewhere else, and I've probably thought that way a long time. I have loose goals that need to be focused a little bit.

My plan for this week, on top of work (stagnation), is to make three goals. One goal for my professional, short term life. One goal for discovering the "if not here, then where?" question. And one goal for my short term personal life.

Ok. Have a good week. Thanks for reading.

'Even the planless have a plan'