Everyday

Oh dear, this is going to get weird. It's not for you.

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So I title my blog entries with some song title that I like , and it also pertains to the mood or subject of my entry. 'Everyday' is a song by the Dave Matthews Band. It's original demo was titled #36, and this is my 36th entry.

I think in some way I try to impress people with useless facts sometimes, and I've actually banked the #36 idea since 'Viginti Tres'. I feel like I try to impress someone with my intellect or never-ending sarcasm, because I don't think I'm good enough to do it any other way.

The insane irony of this whole thing is this: 'Everyday' is one of the nicest songs ever. And my day has been the opposite. Take this video, and imagine the flip side. My day.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=aMBgSfQI49E

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I'm reading non-fiction, and I'm learning about this guy. He's not a happy guy, and his outlook is totally fucked up. The more I read, the more the excerpt becomes a mirror. I'm convinced that I revolve in a weird circle. It goes something like this:

1. I find myself unhappy/semi-depressed/overly self-conscious about some aspect of my life (and there's more than a few).

2. My nature, the way I run naturally, does not directly solve or attack these 'problems'. I dance around (a quaint term, because you should see me dance I've heard), and everything balls and festers.

3. I am well aware that I have shortcomings, self-proclaimed or not, and am also aware of my inability to close. I stress so much about it, which promotes further procrastination and/or fear. I spiral back to #1, only with new aspects.

This circle does not bother me. I have been aware of my communication problems, body image problems, etc. for a loooooooong time.

What does bother me is the realization that after I mask and semi-mend, I go to bed every night unhappy, unsatisfied, and until now, unaware. Well now I can't sleep. I had a realization moment like this in early December, and unacceptingly, I punched a wall and fractured a knuckle.

I have these weird quirks that I fill my day with that help me escape. Doesn't that sound strange. Now that I know, I feel like I am so petty. See #1.

This is becoming a bit of a free float, but I could care less for your criticisms, and I certainly ignore my own. My parents are trying to help me with some direction, but it almost feels like they are acting vicariously, and for their own ultimate satisfaction.

I define my own day to day life in many factions, and it's non linear. Emotional, physical, spiritual, athletic, economic, business, pleasure, etc. etc. I play one off on another, and my weakness in one area becomes an excuse for ignoring another. Which is so easy and logical, that my simple mind could make a living at it. Of course, I don't buy that either.

For fun, I want to try to put my circle into action. Get this. I start swimming class this semester, which I need to graduate. A dash of people who think that humourous, mixed with my poor swimming ability. Gah. Anyway, that doesn't bother me, I can learn to swim. But I can't seem to learn to like my physical body, which will very much be on display twice a week. Nobody cares I tell myself, but oh yes they do. And I stress. How do I improve my body image? Pffft, as if. I AM SO BENT OUT OF SHAPE ABOUT THIS. I do not want to step in front of my peers without a shirt on. I am so mortified. I have great creative imagery, and you should see what I see. Haha, I'm actually laughing at the fact that I'm writing this for you.

I am lacking direction here, and my neck is begging me to lay down. So off I go, headfirst.

See ya tomorrow...

'I thought I shook myself free, you see I bounce back quicker than most'