M.I.A.

I'm going to see the Foo Fighters in a week, so I thought I'd put up my favorite one of theirs (right now).

Pretty good weekend, and pretty good holiday Monday. I finished my history paper today, and that's the hardest assignment I'll have all semester I think. Others might get longer, but that one took the most original thought I think.

I made it to a friends house tonight for an amazing dinner. Lamb, tortellini pesto salad, and a cous-cous dish were part of it. I've been lucky to have three amazing meals cooked for me this weekend. I had a Mediterranean meal tonight, easter-type ham dinner last night, and a really good Indian meal on friday.

So I worked really hard this weekend, and normally after I spend a few days working really hard on schoolwork I get a few days off to relish what I've done. This week I have to keep crushing assignments, so I need to really try to maintain my momentum. It'll be nice to spend good chunks of time in the library tomorrow. Which is probably where I'll blog next from.

I want to try and post my history essay, so you know what I worked hard for.

'At home in the lost and found'

Captain

Happy Easter.

I have been up down round and round this weekend. It's been a really different one. I've been doing homework with an almost mechanical work ethic. Get. Work. Done. It's different because normally I like to plan things to do during the day. This weekend is a little off. I'll lay in bed in the mornings and plan my next paragraph for my history paper. Or I'll do work late at night, which I never do unless something is due the next day.

While I've gotten a lot of homework done, being so efficient has allowed me to do lots of other things. I feel like I am truly the master of my own domain this weekend. Normally I would get a little bit of work done in between video game breaks, facebook sessions, and general procrastination. Now I am focused. When I can't do any more history, I turn and do some Olympics, or work on another project. This allows me to have large breaks to go for dinner, watch movies, go out with friends, or play music without the guilt.

I think I might actually work on my history paper right now. I've had a great paragraph that I've been forming in my head all night. I actually might get an 'a' on this paper. That'd be the first 'A' paper I've ever gotten in History.

I had crazy dreams a few nights ago. You ever get that? When you feel like your routine is different than a normal week or weekend, some unconscious things become different as well. Anyway, I had numerous nightmares in one night, after not having bad dreams for months. I almost wish I had written them down.

Hope tomorrow is a day off for you too.

'When I am king, you will be first against the wall'

Crescent Moon

It was kind of a snow moon tonight. Is that a term? The moon looked like it does when it's snowing.

Lots has happened in the last 48 hours or so. I'll just paraphrase. I got good amounts of work done. I got into March Madness. I hung out with friends who I swore I'd spend more time with this year. I got really drunk. I became really into my history paper. I ate a lot. I made wearing shorts trendy again. I played my bass really loud, and even tried singing. Tried. I won my indoor soccer game, which I wasn't sure would happen ever again. I cleaned my house. I got a craving for chips and salsa, which has not been satisfied.

I think that's a fair outline. I did do a lot, even if that list seems like it could be done in a few hours. That was then, now I have a weekend of homework and deadlines. Actually, that's probably going to be the next seven days or so. That's ok. I think as a student I get mentally prepped for the week, the one playoff push before exams.

Happy easter and all that good stuff. It's gonna be a good weekend.

'I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world'

Sleepwalker

I got lots done today.

Not in the sense of finishing anything of any sort of magnitude, but I did do a pile. I organized the rest of my school year, and the countdown is on (I'm not counting, but I know the number). I got my major history project going today, as well as my project for my Olympics class. A problem of mine is not organizing my deadlines or knowing project details. Now that I have some of that stuff under control, it'll be harder to procrastinate.

If I can get a significant amount of work done each day, hopefully I can hit the autopilot button and cruise. Unfortunately I've become really busy with non-academic stuff lately, and it's been throwing me off. It's only tuesday, but I'm basically writing off a big part of the week already. The dentist tomorrow is just one of a bunch of stuff going on. And it's going to suck. I don't care about being negative going into it, I Hate the dentist.

March Madness is like 36 hours away, and I can't say I'm overly thrilled. Normally I'm right into it and make multiple brackets. I usually make a bracket of who I think should win, and a separate one for who I want to win. I also have a third usually, and after each round I take the remaining teams and pick the winners of the next match-ups. I've classically been really bad at this, even if I put 5-10 hours of research into it. This year I've put in 5 minutes so far, and all I know is that I'm a hater of UNC, but they should win. I like Gonzaga and Oregon (for their proximity to me obv.), but they won't win. That's all.

See ya round.

'Dance little tin goddess'

Give Me Novacaine

It's St. Paddy's or something, so I thought I toss in a little 'green'day.

I was rubbed the wrong way today. Some kid gave me shit outside the library for moving too slowly from the doorway. After he said his thing with my back turned, he walked away without letting me respond. I muttered something about 'are you serious?' and let him go. He was really obese and I don't blame him for not having enough room to get by.

That really didn't put me off. I was trying to have a conversation at the same time, and wasn't ready for an impatient tough guy. Gah. Impatient people probably frustrate me more than anyone else. People who spend their time tailgating, cutting lines, and hating the average speed of life need to slow the fuck down. Drive like hell and you're bound to get there.

I imagine that's a tad hypocritical. I lose patience from time to time, but then again, I also frustrate myself from time to time.

Wednesday I have my last dental appointment of the semester. I don't know how many times I've been, but I'm ready for the upcoming hiatus. I guess that explains the title of the entry. I have an excess of strong drugs from my semester's worth of prescriptions. Do drugs expire quickly? Better for me if they do I suppose.

The muscle soreness I have after yesterday is indescribable. Even my triceps are sore. Explain that to me. Soccer and triceps soreness, equal on both sides.

Have a good week.

'Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and
Fret for your hairpiece and
Fret for your lawsuit and
Fret for your prozac and
Fret for your pilot and
Fret for your contract and
Fret for your car'

Born Losers

I had a weekend.

Friday I did homework, housework, and slept. Saturday I tried really hard to get stuff done, and wound up not doing enough. I needed to get stuff done on Saturday because I had written Sunday off in advance.

Yesterday I was invited to come play in an outdoor soccer tournament. I was told that our team wouldn't be very good, but it would be fun anyway. I was pretty stoked at getting out and meeting people, playing soccer, and just being active in general. And I was physically unprepared for the amount of soccer I would play.

We had enough players to field a team, but we had no subs, and it was a pretty big field for 5-a-side. We played 30 minute games, and after the first half of the first game I needed a sub bad. I haven't been really active in the last month or two with schoolwork, dental work, and laziness. We wound up playing seven games, which is the equivalent of more than 2 full soccer games. 

We wound up having a better go at it than most other teams. We were part varsity soccer players, part varsity volleyball players. But we weren't that good. We did well because we didn't get on each other for screwing up. It seemed like we were the only team not there to win. In another game there was a fight, which is pretty crazy at a rec. event. In the end we wound up getting t-shirts and stuff. 

Across town I missed a softball tournament that I was also invited to. I really think that the campus rec. people put on a good tournament, and the education contingent could take a few notes. We had a pretty extensive lunch put on, huge prizes, and refs and organizers everywhere. It was pretty cool. I played in the education softball tournament last year, and it was more of a 'create your own good time', which was fine.

Anyway, I'm on the grind. This week is tough, and next week is sick. There's no way next weekend will be this good.

'Zeros, ones and tildes'

Gravity

Wednesday's gone.

I did a pile of stuff today, and sitting here now it still feels like I killed the day. I had an awesome class this morning, shopped, did homework, and got killed at indoor soccer. At some things I swear I'm a born loser. Like sports. I can be skilled enough and have enough experience, but I always like to play up a level at the point where I rarely win. It's humbling I guess, losing all the time. It's also a process to deal with frustration and learn to lose with class. Well, we lost 7-0 tonight with class.

I want to share something I read in class today. I've adapted a few things from other people that I've written on here, and I often don't mention it. This story was called 'the wolves within'. It struck a chord with me because I deal with hate fairly regularly, and this story addresses that. I would say that one of the most negative things about myself is the hate that I hold toward other people, and this resonates.

Hate wears you down, and doesn't affect your enemy. As a natural strategist, I would read that line and instantly realize that carrying hate is dead weight. I still to decide to keep hate inside, and I still don't mind. The story describes the two wolves inside of me. The first is good and does no harm, and only fights when necessary. The other is full of anger. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. Anger and hate are so strong that it can't think straight.

Both Wolves try to dominate my spirit, and it's sometimes a struggle to live with both. So which one wins, and dominates me?

The one I feed.

'We barely remember, who or what came before this precious moment'

Oil And Water

Weird day.

Ok, not weird. But off track for sure. My first class was off campus for a presentation by a woman who DID NOT have her shit together. We have an outline that we bring to these 'site visits', and this woman was the 5th we have been to this year, so it was painfully obvious that she was off. Maybe she had a bad day or something, so I don't blame her. It just made for an awkward presentation.

I got back to school and prepped for an hour for my next class, only to not even go. I wound up in Parksville with Saul to insure his bmw, then we hung out at Ryan's garage for hours. We cleaned stuff, laughed about stuff, and pretty much chilled for a long time. I'm enjoying that it's light until 8pm.

What else is of any interest? Saul hosed himself while washing his car, and we laughed maybe too hard. I needed to get at least one beat in at some point here. Hey, he's the one driving the 525 and killing me at call of duty, so I think he can take it.

Thanks for reading if you do. I write this mostly for my own amusement, which sounds awfully self centered of me. I think of it as medicine for my soul, and it really works. The by-product is you, the one who reads this. One side of me is embarrassed to share 'everything' with you, and the other have hopes that someone finds any of it interesting. So it's all for me, and it's here for you.

'drawing way outside the lines'

Strip My Mind

Weekend came and went.

Pretty average weekend I'd say. Friday I had off, but did school work all day, and wound up at an impromptu mass gathering at my own house all night. Saturday I procrastinated but got sufficient amount of homework done anyway.

Reading an interesting book for my history paper on the Holocaust. It's called 'The Banality Of Evil', and the author (a Jewish philosopher) argues how the holocaust was created by everyone, not just by the leaders. She talks about how evil is in all of us, and under the right circumstances it can come out and create a monster, like the holocaust. Really interesting, although the book is forty years old and written philosophically.

I have a bit more than a month until I finish school for good. April 22 is my last exam, and I have a bunch to do before then. It's pretty exciting to be heading in a new direction. For the first time since I was 5, I won't be going to school in September. I don't know what's gonna happen, but I'm excited about it.

I heard the veils for the first time, and their stuff is really good. It's slow and needs a certain mood, but really nice. Also I finally got around to the cold war kids, and Blake was right. I like it.

'There I go, turn the page'

Mediocre Bad Guys

This is for posterity.

Let’s say you went to a pet store and saw a dog you fell in love with because of its bark. Would you then take the dog home and yell at it and tell it that it was stupid for barking? Would you try to teach the dog how to meow or moo instead? No, of course not. Doing so would be unreasonable and ridiculous.

You would probably say a person who did this was irrational or even crazy. Yet if you fall in love with bad people, then yell at them and tell them they're stupid when they do bad things, isn't that the same thing? Isn't that weird? Dogs bark. It's what they do.

Don’t try to teach a dog to meow and don’t try to teach bad people how to be good. It’s their life and they can live it as they like. Also, think about how fussing at bad people makes you look. If this bad person has enough time and will to jerk you around in the same environment you try and thrive in (but can't), how can you call him a sucker?

As the old saying goes, if you can’t handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen. Find a kinder, gentler life with less maniacs and more stable people. You will probably win less, but you might manage to hold on to your sanity a little longer.

'hours in the rain and dried out somehow'

Talk Down The Girl

I wrote a free-float around a year ago, trying to write in 15 minutes who I thought I was. I went searching for the prompt online, and it's recommendations at the end were all bogus. But here (unedited):

The purpose of this assignment is to analyze who you are. When you are ready to begin, you will have 15 minutes to explore your deepest thoughts and emotions about who you are. Before starting, however, you might spend some time looking at yourself in a mirror, thinking about yourself, and imagining what others think about you.

******************************************************

who am i.

i have spent a life time, and certainly the last little while exploring this topic. i like to think i know the answer fairly well. some mornings i don't. i find it funny when people have a skewed idea of who i am. they don't know me, and they never will, not the way i know myself anyway.

i'm young. almost 23. and young at heart. i'm healthy and enjoy being healthy. i'm mature, polite, and generally a very friendly person.

i am a person who thoroughly enjoys pleasing others. in an setting i prefer to please the other before myself. i think that one trait almost describes me best. i have no real need to put myself in front of others, and i don't demand anything from what i put towards others. in sports i would rather get a great assist. and it goes on like that.

in some sense i am fairly self loathing. i like what i do for others, but generally i dislike myself. this trait is unhealthy, and i wish i wasnt like that. i tend to be a self conscious person.

what makes me who i am? people go on about this whole "you are a product of your environment". let me explore that for a minute. i am a university student, a competitive soccer player, and i live with a few other students - two of my best friends. my ex girlfriend, my guitar, my love for soccer and music, and my work have all shaped who i am, and what i am. do i buy that? to some extent i suppose i do.

i honestly think that childhood played a greater role. i reflect a lot of values that i was brought up on. i embrace and cherish some material possessions, love and hate things and people accordingly, etc. i think that childhood and my experiences when i was younger played the larget role.

my parents. they definitely rubbed off on me. i grew up closer to my mother, although my father was more present i would say. i favour neither today, and would credit more of my self towards my mother if i had to choose. i am non-confrontational, quietly confident, and wise beyond what you might call face value. and i relish that, and use all of those traits as strengths.

i have changed for sure. since i moved out, away from the parental values of my childhood, i have changed volumes. i dont necessarily think for the better personally, but that could be debateable. regardless, i fully know that i have become so much more complicated than when i was 19.

a few more notes on who i think i am. strange to tack this on in here, but i hold grudges. that statement may appear insignificant, but i think it tells how passionate i am about factors that affect me. if someone treats me like a child on purpose, i tend to remember.

i definately dont seek retribution towards these grudges! god knows i've thought about it tho. i find myself to be quite self reflective. it is a good release for me, especially considering i'm a bit of a pacifist.

what else? overall i think i project a very smart, confident, 'with it' person to people, when inside i dont feel that way at all. thats me tho. and thats all.

'Passive aggressive bullshit'

Keys To The Hovercar

I coulda used the hovercar today. But I couldn't find the keys...

I had to navigate my way through a weird starting spot called Nanaimo, and try to find transit to get me to a ridiculous location (the adjacent city). I should have known I was hooped to begin with, and gone back to look for my keys.

I had a dentist appt. in Parksville today, one of my last. Took transit 3.5 hours to get me there, when I could have driven myself in .5 hours. But I had to take drugs, so I couldn't drive. Tooth got its filling, and it was all good. I went home to sleep off the drugs.

Then onto indoor soccer after naps, noodles, and a n-n-n-nice warm shower ( I felt like I had to toss the last 'n' in somewhere). Our indoor team was short players tonight. I registered a low number of people because I prefer only a few subs. Well the guys we have we can't count on, and we got smoked by an energetic Asian team. It helped that we played pretty poorly. Maybe indoor isn't among my favorite soccer environments anymore.

Tomorrow should be decent, with two lectures (both semi-interesting), and an applied class that is unstructured and anything can/does happen. Then Friday off, although I'm working all day on my student walkability assessment thing. Sunday Mal. 5k on the weekend, and maybe my band can get together to struggle through the last few weeks of school before we disband again. I've come to realize that making music is difficult to do with people.

'you and i, we get so high, we never quite came down'

Shit Towne

I've been having really busy days with a lot going on this week. I can only keep up by writing about the day before, even though today was worth blogging as well.

Yesterday I was cadoodling along, after a really boring first lecture, and in anticipation of my afternoon nutrition lecture. I was actually enjoying my day, and it was about to get better. I wore shorts to school for the first time, it was amazing weather, my friends were all around, and it was all pretty good until -

I ran into my ex-girlfriend. 3 different times. I don't really mind her, but I could care less about running into her. Anyway, since we broke up 9 months ago, there is still some hatred on touchy subjects, in her head. I won't even get into it. But it threw a break into the flow of my day. I sort of rely on flow sometimes, to get something rolling, and move onto something bigger, etc., and take that into classes. I got a ton done over spring break by doing that.

Anyway, fuck all those run ins yesterday. I didn't care that she walked out of her dinner party, I just thought it would probably jeopardize my image to my four other friends at the table. As far as the ex-girlfriend goes, I don't plan to get in her way or disrupt her life in any way, but slip-ups are bound to happen (esp. with the same friends), and you don't have to freak out about it.

There. That didn't sound like it got to me, did it?

'Walked around my good intentions, and found that there were none'

Pink Mist

Wow

I had a mixed bag of a day yesterday, then again today. Yesterday I had two classes, and both were great, but polar opposites. My first class was early and everyone was in spring break mode still. we had a neat discussion on everything and nothing at the same time, and landed on an interesting point. We're all sitting on a winning lottery ticket, and we don't realize it. When you look at the state of things in a wide scope, why even play the lotto? We've already won it.

My second class was a little different, but just as enlightening. I realized this year that I took history as a minor for this one course: The Holocaust. Yesterday I realized I took the course for one reason: Yesterday's Lecture. Everything you can't help but get intrigued by was touched on yesterday. There an interesting quote by Steven King about the Holocaust which was made evident yesterday.

"Maybe there is something about what the Germans did that exercises a deadly fascination over us - something that opens the catacombs of the imagination. Maybe part of our dread and horror comes from a secret knowledge that under the right - or wrong - set of circumstances, we ourselves would be willing to build such places and staff them. Black serendipity... Little men (that look like us) with graphs and flow-charts and electronic calculators, all ready to start maximizing the kill ratios."

Great lecture and discussion yesterday. Got into life, and really got into death. I almost laughed at the whole day.

'Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day'

Leyendo En El Hospital

Spring break is done.

Looking at the last ten days, and they've been pretty eventful. I've fully recovered from wisdom teeth, gotten home safely from a weekend away, and got an acceptable amount of work done for school. It's kinda weird to be home. I spent a pile of time away, and for some odd reason I was getting used to not sleeping in my own bed.

The next month should fly by. It's the playoff push for me school-wise. I have tons to finish, and lots of things to start and finish. On top of my six classes I also have loose ends to tie up from last year and the year before if I want to grad this spring. I have 6 major projects due coming up, and the two loose ends. Not that I'm sitting here complaining, this is just my editorial.

Listen to more music. I think that helps me, if I need help I guess. I bet you could find more value in music if you tried a little. I know that music is one thing that I truly try to squeeze the value from. Sometimes I spend my money too sparingly, or waste my time in front of screens, but I really get all I can from music. I can't think of another example of something like that. I try and get new music regularly, and I have plenty of influences. I think that whether you skip each song you hear after 10 seconds, or listen to entire albums subconsciously, you know what I mean on some level. Music has so many uses in my opinion, and I think you should explore and find out what it does for You.

Really listen to this song, it might do something for you like it did for me.

'Who are you to judge us, simply 'cause our hair is long?'

Out On The Weekend

I was.

I was away in Whistler this weekend, and I had a goal of just relaxing and enjoying the time, and I did. I spent a bunch of time enjoying what was 3 feet in front of my face, instead of last week and next week. It was amazing to go to somewhere so different from here, and some places felt like a different world. It was really nice.

I don't really feel like breaking down what I did, where I went, and who did what where. Whatever, I don't think that part really mattered anyway. Not to me. I did get really stressed the fuck out about getting up there, and if I don't change how I deal with things, I bet I'll die way too young.

On a side note, Anderson Silva beat down Henderson in what I thought was an entertaining and even match. Henderson dominated the first round, and was kind of unlucky to catch a few of Anderson's swings in the second. But maybe that's what makes Spider so good. I don't know who can fight Anderson now. I watched a pile of pre-match stuff, and Henderson was clearly the closest guy in the class, and he didn't even make 2 rounds. Some monster will have to make weight and come down to challenge the guy I imagine.

Thanks for checking me out.

'Picture yourself, at the MGM Grand... Murphy's fighting Ockham; you're in the stands'