Talk Down The Girl

I wrote a free-float around a year ago, trying to write in 15 minutes who I thought I was. I went searching for the prompt online, and it's recommendations at the end were all bogus. But here (unedited):

The purpose of this assignment is to analyze who you are. When you are ready to begin, you will have 15 minutes to explore your deepest thoughts and emotions about who you are. Before starting, however, you might spend some time looking at yourself in a mirror, thinking about yourself, and imagining what others think about you.

******************************************************

who am i.

i have spent a life time, and certainly the last little while exploring this topic. i like to think i know the answer fairly well. some mornings i don't. i find it funny when people have a skewed idea of who i am. they don't know me, and they never will, not the way i know myself anyway.

i'm young. almost 23. and young at heart. i'm healthy and enjoy being healthy. i'm mature, polite, and generally a very friendly person.

i am a person who thoroughly enjoys pleasing others. in an setting i prefer to please the other before myself. i think that one trait almost describes me best. i have no real need to put myself in front of others, and i don't demand anything from what i put towards others. in sports i would rather get a great assist. and it goes on like that.

in some sense i am fairly self loathing. i like what i do for others, but generally i dislike myself. this trait is unhealthy, and i wish i wasnt like that. i tend to be a self conscious person.

what makes me who i am? people go on about this whole "you are a product of your environment". let me explore that for a minute. i am a university student, a competitive soccer player, and i live with a few other students - two of my best friends. my ex girlfriend, my guitar, my love for soccer and music, and my work have all shaped who i am, and what i am. do i buy that? to some extent i suppose i do.

i honestly think that childhood played a greater role. i reflect a lot of values that i was brought up on. i embrace and cherish some material possessions, love and hate things and people accordingly, etc. i think that childhood and my experiences when i was younger played the larget role.

my parents. they definitely rubbed off on me. i grew up closer to my mother, although my father was more present i would say. i favour neither today, and would credit more of my self towards my mother if i had to choose. i am non-confrontational, quietly confident, and wise beyond what you might call face value. and i relish that, and use all of those traits as strengths.

i have changed for sure. since i moved out, away from the parental values of my childhood, i have changed volumes. i dont necessarily think for the better personally, but that could be debateable. regardless, i fully know that i have become so much more complicated than when i was 19.

a few more notes on who i think i am. strange to tack this on in here, but i hold grudges. that statement may appear insignificant, but i think it tells how passionate i am about factors that affect me. if someone treats me like a child on purpose, i tend to remember.

i definately dont seek retribution towards these grudges! god knows i've thought about it tho. i find myself to be quite self reflective. it is a good release for me, especially considering i'm a bit of a pacifist.

what else? overall i think i project a very smart, confident, 'with it' person to people, when inside i dont feel that way at all. thats me tho. and thats all.

'Passive aggressive bullshit'